The Calendar is out of the bag

Feb. 28MondayIn a sordid attempt to capitalize on the cage-death-match-extravaganza trend currently sweeping red states everywhere, some record label thought it’d be a good idea to take a bear, a shark, and a punk band on the road and try to market the life out of whatever chaos would ensue. Chaos they got.

The punk bank has since been enslaved by the Bear/Shark conglomerate, who, while teaming forces to enslave the band, are also, unfortunately, at odds, always attempting to dominate the other in a never-ending battle of forest-dweller versus sea-predator in lieu of one eventually getting to eat the band, which, ironically, will curb the groups profitability. Regardless: a punk band might be eaten. So come one, come all, just come and pray that tonight’s the night at the Bear vs. Shark show over at Lo-Fi Caf (165 S. West Temple) when they play with Circa Survive at 7 p.m. Tickets are $8 from Smith’sTix.

Calendar’s long-lost cousin, Tinsley Ellis, is one of the greatest blues guitarists that not that many people know-except for us, because he is our cousin. Dude was always moping about the house, talking about how his woman left him and his dog got hit by a car and his grandmother was eaten by wild carnivorous donkeys (yes, they exist). We tried to get the dude to take some Paxil or Prozac or anything, but he wouldn’t have it-apparently he thought a talking Calendar was the last person to advise him on his mental health. Shows what he knows, just look at Calendar now: We’ve got this sweet daily gig, and what’s he got? Huh? Well, besides his show tonight at Ego’s (668 S. State Street) at 8 p.m., for $10? That’s right-nothing. Aw hell, who are we kidding…Calendar is going to kill ourselves now.

That is, we’re going to kill ourselves now unless we can find a really sweet recipe. What’s that? The Vancouver Recipe? Well, don’t mind if we do. Come find out how to brew up your own Canadian mega-city (or lose some weight…actually, losing weight is seriously what this is all about. Are Vancouverians less obese than Americans? Ha ha, could they possibly not be?) tonight from 5:30-6:30 p.m. in building 127 AAC on campus. Find directions, and maybe more of a clue than Calendar has online at www.arch.utah.edu.

Then, with your newly crushed sense of self-esteem, why not turn on the boob tube and get your confidence shattered again? Tonight on the only channel that matters (to prepubescent, idealistic black-on-black emo kids around the globe…and by globe, we mean New Jersey), The WB, check out the hot bodies rocking the beach on the premier of the newest O.C.-spin-off suckfest, “Summertime.” We could tell you what time this program is on, or you could just catch the hint and not watch it.

Speaking of catching hints, Calendar is out of content. We swear, something funny will happen tomorrow. Cross our heart and hope to die. Seriously.