Dear Danni:
I want to start off by saying that my boyfriend and I have a really good sex life. I mean, things have always been pretty easy, chemistry-wise and all. But lately, things have been really automatic. In fact, it’s like he is all about himself and I’m just lying there. As soon as he goes, then it’s like we’re done. And it’s always like 30 seconds before I’m there. Danni, this is so frustrating. Do I tell him to wait for me, or just take care of myself or what do I do? I’m kinda embarrassed because I don’t want him to think I’m not into him. This really sucks, so I need advice on this one.
Dear “Not coming along,”
Really? He comes and goes before you’ve reached your “happy place?”
That’s a shocker.
I mean, men are so well-known for their patience during sexual encounters, right? Right?
Sound completely foreign, ladies? That’s understandable-there is an epidemic of immediate and personal gratification associated with sex in America, on both sides of the gender fence, and it often leads to situations where one-half of the loving duo feels neglected and unsatisfied.
Want a little hint as to one way to solve this dilemma? It’s not the most romantic, but it’s undeniably realistic: More times than not in your life, if you’re not getting the things you want (wink, wink), you will need to “assist” in your own pleasure-seeking.
I know, I know, it’s not fair-other people should be able to adequately gratify us, right? But then again, there’s a problem with that type of logic: It’s dependent and implies that we are not responsible for our own happiness. We place the burden on others, and in so doing, render ourselves impotent (pun intended) in terms of our own happiness.
Yes, it’s frustrating, but in all fairness to our respective other halves, sometimes our significant others just don’t know how to read our bodies. There is at least a degree of truth to the stereotype of men being visual and immediately stimulated while women remain a little more emotional and progressive in terms of heating up. This puts lovers in troubling positions when two people want the same thing out of each other, but are not on the same page in terms of how to achieve it.
For some men, sex is like a short distance track race-game on. To quote our good friend Mr. Seinfeld, “It’s like asking a man: What did you see after the car spun out of control? Well, there was a lot of screeching, at one point my body was facing the opposite direction, and in the end…my body was thrown clear.”
See what I’m saying? For women, on the other hand, it’s like turning on the car in mid December-you have to let it warm up for a while in the driveway before you tear down 1300 East for the 7:30 a.m. class.
Therefore, it stands to reason that lovers need to speak their minds if something is missing in a relationship. Unless you speak up, your partner is not going to know how to please you.
Embarrassed you say? What’s more embarrassing: faking it and getting caught or uttering a few words of encouragement to “guide” your bed-pal to the Promised Land?
If you don’t say anything, you will continue to resemble a dead fish lying on the sheets, and your guy is going to keep reeling in what he believes are prize catches when they’re really just minnows-get me? What you don’t know is what kind of mind blowing, out-of-the-ball-park type of sex you two are capable of having together.
The key word here is certainly ‘together’-when you’re playing by the same rules, on the same team, the game is going to go a lot smoother.
You just need to be confident and willing to ask for what you want.
My advice: I guarantee that if you were to be forthright and actually tell him what turns you on, and that, as of right now, you’re stranded on dead-fish island all alone, just hearing the words come out of your mouth will make you irresistible to him.
As for your communication/embarrassment issue, get over it. Your man is not a mind reader-few people are-and he’s not operating from the female psyche. He’s a man, coming from a completely different set of guidelines and concepts.
Be patient-these are complicated positions we’re all in (literally) and it’s best to keep the stress out of it. By the way, thanks for addressing this issue, I think everyone appreciates it, having been in a similar situation before.
Some of us are still apparently there.
Eryn Green contirbuted to this article.