Good Calendar For People Who Love

Mar. 4Fri.There’s nothing Calendar enjoys more than a bunch of pretentious, hard-boozin’, semi-indie rockers poised by their big record label to take over the world-being a drunk, raging, straight-thinking (as in, “I’ll have a whiskey…straight.”) group of gentlemen must be a real tough job, but someone’s gotta do it. Watch Modest Mouse spread their lush brand of “grouch-rock” via sonic osmosis to audiences (who know all the words to “Float On”…really!) this weekend at In The Venue (219 S. 600 West) tonight and tomorrow night…if you can get in. We’re warning you now: both shows are sold out. Let the scalper search begin.

That’s assuming, of course, that you’re one of the few people on this planet that isn’t a “One Tree Hill” fan-the WB series about dendrophilia and young love really reshapes our previous notions of what we once considered “Must-See-TV.” And that soundtrack is enough to kill those teens’ beloved pine-tree (a brilliant turn by Joshua Jackson)-assuming they haven’t violated it already. The “One Tree Hill” tour, featuring Tyler Hilton, Michelle Branch and Jessica Harp, is stopping by Kingsbury Hall (1395 E. Presidents’ Circle) tonight at 7:30 p.m. Tickets are $20 a head from Smith’sTix outlets everywhere. It almost makes us miss “Sister, Sister.” Which more than almost makes us want to drill a hole in our face.

Calendar managed to sneak into the Zilla family reunion last weekend. God Z comes up to us-yeah, to us! Incredible, right?…He comes to the bar, and just starts chatting it up: “So there’s this Mothra guy…wait, you know him too? Yeah, this guy just flies through town, starts setting everything on fire, and those freaks who run the island start causing a ruckus and screaming in dubbed English all over again, telling me that my dental was up in the air if I didn’t take care of this one, too. You know? We Zillas, we can only stomp on so much! These callouses…” We kind of thought he was moody-Zilla plays Park City’s Suede (1612 Ute Blvd. at Kimball Junction) tonight when the doors open at 9 p.m. Tickets are $10 from Smith’sTix, 21 and older.

Last time Calendar went to one of those Crimson Nights deals, someone just handed us the foam machine. Why, we’ll never know. What we do know, though, is that a foam machine is a party. A party in your pants. Or at least it was for us. We’ve got slick pants. Slick foam pants! Believe Calendar, these things are worth checking out. Crimson Nights is tonight in the Union from 9 p.m.-2 a.m.

Mar. 5 Sat.Calendar’s father used to go by lots of different names: “Big Daddy Calendar,” “Father Calendar,” “Jimmy Calendar Jr.” and “Not the branding iron! Seriously! No!” However, had he thought of the name Papamali before Papamali thought of Papamali, maybe he’d be playing Suede (1612 Ute Blvd. at Kimball Junction) Saturday night. Tickets are $8 from Smith’sTix and the doors open at 8 p.m. 21 and older, because papa don’t preach-he sins. Wow, that joke was a reach, even for us…

Speaking of “reaching out,” Calendar’s always wanted to know what happens in rugby when all those large, sweaty men lock arms and heads to get their balls out from under them. Rugby’s great like that-don’t you get awarded points for kicking people in the head? This game is so right up our alley. The U’s Rugby Team, are having a fund-raiser hip-hop party featuring D.J. Express Saturday night at the Officer’s Club from 9:30 p.m.-12 a.m. Admission is free, but having your reproductive system uprooted by metal cleats is priceless.

Mar. 6Sun.As a parting note, we’d like to give you a little insight into the way the world works when viewed through Calendar-eyes: First, Chris Whipple is Jesus, 50 Cent is not only president, but also God, and Opera, in all her sentimentally exploitive ability, is most assuredly the anti-Christ. Sure, the woman gives away free cars, but she charges you a soul for the keys. Think about that: A soul for a Hyundai. What a saint, huh? We always thought Op-a-dope-ra’s first big, huge film was going to be a reawakening of “The Land Before Time” starring her as the Exploitasarus-Rex and Dr. Phil as the Bottomless Comb-over Tar Pit of Obnoxious. Looks like we were wrong: Opera premiers her new adaptation (read: shameless self-promotion masquerading as a reinvigoration of classic literature) of a great story, “Their Eyes Were Watching God,” 8 p.m., ABC. Wanna know what calendar’s eyes are gonna be watching? Anything but this crap.