In recent weeks, a gaggle of irascible, lewd “Goblins” have begun to hole up in the backstage rafters of Kingsbury Hall.
Mike Hunt, a permanent member of Kingsbury Hall’s production staff, died yesterday evening at the U Hospital from what doctors have termed Goblinic Asphyxiation: an unusual condition in which the victim suffocates due to the high concentration of methane in Goblin flatulence.
The U Hospital declined to comment.
Short, hairy and inexplicably fond of Yanni, these “Goblins,” as experts are calling them, can be distinguished from Demons by their matted, curly hair, a penchant for flashing patrons and a bizarre diet consisting of Copenhagen chewing tobacco, Jagermeister and Hot Pockets.
Goblins also feed on negative energy, and take great pleasure from basking in chaos and unrest. Experts posit that the Kingsbury Hall Goblins have developed as a result of widespread student apathy.
According to Goblin expert Ernest J. Gentrison, “[Goblins] love to shatter college students’ illusory notion of invincibility by mercilessly derogating them. They get a kick out of putting them in their place-you know, exercising their own brand of poetic justice. It’s kind of like Doc Holiday meets Yeats.”
But students need not worry too much. “They tend to target the elderly, because, well, they’re just easier to take down,” Gentrison said.
Generally, aside from caustic flatulence, heckling is the only real danger Goblins pose, though in extreme cases they have been known to fling their fecal matter at passersby and yell all manner of obscenities.
A few weeks ago, an unidentified bovine creature was roasted in a metal dumpster near Kingsbury Hall. Given the traces of Jagermeister discovered at the scene, police believe that some rogue Goblins may be responsible. The case is still under investigation.
Experts urge Kingsbury Hall attendants and employees to don regulation gas masks, and ignore any obscene, sexual comments seeming to emanate from the walls.
Experts have not, as yet, derived any solutions. “Just avoid their toxic gas,” Gentrison said. “Don’t, under any circumstance, go near them. They’ll go away-we just need a religious revival or something. They hate that stuff.”
“Conference is coming,” he added. “Cross your fingers.”
Disclaimer: The above article is part The Chronicle’s annual April Fool’s Day issue. All events are fictional and plots are satirical…in other words, all of this is completely made up. So don’t call your lawyers.