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The Daily Utah Chronicle

The University of Utah's Independent Student Voice

The Daily Utah Chronicle

The University of Utah's Independent Student Voice

The Daily Utah Chronicle

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Want your voice to be heard? Submit a letter to the editor, send us an op-ed pitch or check out our open positions for the chance to be published by the Daily Utah Chronicle.
@TheChrony
Print Issues

Meyer accepts yet another coaching job

By Dogg Bollox

Even though he hasn’t coached his first game at Florida, Urban Meyer is on the move again.

English newspaper “The Cockney Poodle” reported yesterday that Meyer has accepted the head-coaching position for Manchester United.

“What? We don’t have a coaching opening?” Man U president Bloke Jeffries said. “And doesn’t he coach American football? Stop wasting my time.”

When reached for comment, Meyer attributed his family for his reason to leave.

“It turned out my son is a crappy baseball player,” Meyer said.

“So we are going to try to get him some soccer training.”

When told that there is no coaching vacancy for Manchester, Meyer curiously replied, “I plan to coach at Utah for a very long time.”

Meyer’s wife Shelley was excited that she would be able to settle down in one place.

“We will be able to raise our family in London. What more can you ask for?” Shelley Meyer said.

“I know we’ve been lying for years now, but we are serious this time. Unless Urban gets a job coaching aliens on Jupiter. I’ve always wanted to go there.”

Urban plans to install his famous spread offense for the United, using nine forwards and no goalie.

Man U has promised to serve Meyer with a restraining order when his family arrives in England, saying, “We aren’t going to allow that poison-tongued Yank to ruin our fan base.”

In related news, former Florida coach Steve Spurrier was found dead at his home after dying from an “excessive laughing disorder.”

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Disclaimer: The above article is part The Chronicle’s annual April Fool’s Day issue. All events are fictional and plots are satirical…in other words, all of this is completely made up. So don’t call your lawyers.

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