This has been the worst year ever!

The Chrony sucks. I’ve never seen a worse opinion page in my life.

The latest example of such was a column encouraging people to speed. The columnist argued that policemen cause accidents and that individuals who drive in excess of 75 miles per hour are the most attentive people on the road. Somehow, going the speed limit is a symptom of boredom?

That same author also told students not to bother with health insurance several months ago.

And the editor, Andrew Kirk, is an ass****! Does anyone read his columns about gay marriage or how about the latest one about the Ten Commandments? I’ve never seen anyone so naively arrogant allowed to publish their visions of an alternative reality in a newspaper!

He’s not nearly as bad as that cartoonist, the one who said American values rest upon the Ten Commandments and drew a comparison between Terri Schiavo and Stephen Hawking. Who the hell does he think he is creating conservative cartoons?

The nerve of publishing right-wing perspectives in a student paper!

Those two can’t even top the audacity of the girl who defended the use of cell phones in class. Her heavy-handed and obviously satirical column which outed itself in the last sentence was clearly evidence of that’s girl’s complete insensitivity and immaturity.

How did someone who facetiously believes she has a right to use cell phones in class get admitted to an institution of higher education?

And why didn’t the editor run any of the letters sent in by people who didn’t read the last paragraph carefully? That abuse of power is unforgivable.

What else could be expected from a Communist? Remember that writer who thought he could disguise his desire for world domination in a column asking that Karl Marx be remembered as an enlightened social philosopher? I wouldn’t be surprised if the entire Chronicle staff were communists. Ever wonder why they wear so much red to sporting events? Think about it.

What’s up with that guy that hates the greek system? In every article he makes clear that he belongs to a fraternity, yet instead of swearing total and complete loyalty to every single house, he dares to point out faults? Anyone unwilling to completely ignore things they dislike about their fellow greeks is obviously just a poser.

They might as well hand the whole operation over to that girl who said she likes it when jerks with potty-mouths blow smoke into the faces of her asthmatic friends. How could she screw it up any worse?

Jeez, what’s it going to take to get a dignified opinion page that strives to be professional and does things that professional papers do, like endorse political candidates?

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Disclaimer: The above article is part The Chronicle’s annual April Fool’s Day issue. All events are fictional and plots are satirical…in other words, all of this is completely made up. So don’t call your lawyers.