Dear Danni,
I have a question that I thought you could answer-why is it that nice guys finish last? I have been told several times this month by three different girls that I am so nice and so sweet, yet I don’t think any one of these girls has even considered having a relationship with me. I talked to one of the girls about it, and she said that she didn’t want to lead me on. A week later, she was dating her ex-boyfriend, who she said was an intellectually spayed jerk that treated her like crap. My friends and I have created a theory about this behavior: The Law of Dumas: How cool a girl is is directly proportional to how big of a dumb ass her boyfriend is. Why are girls like this? Am I just looking in the wrong places?
Dear “George Costanza,”
I think “Seinfeld” did a spoof on this very dilemma once-why is the “go to” guy always there for a shoulder to cry on, but never a body to get on?
Better yet, why must we females be magnetically attracted to that which ultimately repels us?
I’ve asked myself this very question many-a-time, as I seem to have a sign on my head that reads, “If you’re an emotionally unavailable snowboarder wearing skate shoes, come apply!”
Why do we do this? Why must we think that this one will be different, when we’ve clearly been down this half-pipe before?
Good question.
To better understand, it’s best to accept a simple premise: People, regardless of gender, want what they can’t have.
Maybe it’s an ingrained survival-of-the-unobtainable thing dating back to our hunter/gatherer days when the greatest chase yielded the greatest reward. Maybe we all have a relationship mechanism similar to buyer’s remorse-once we’ve obtained the silver car, we can’t believe we didn’t choose the blue one. Maybe it’s a whole bunch of things, but the fact remains: That which is off-limits is mysterious and therefore, undeniably alluring.
We, as Americans, have somehow adopted the ideology that anything that comes too easy is just that-look at McDonalds for reference-and anything that requires blood, sweat and tears is well worth it.
Which means, my friend, you’re in a paradoxical position.
The role you desire is already oversaturated by lame guys named Chad who use the word “bro” way too often, wear their hats sideways, dress compulsively in undersized Hurley T-shirts and look strikingly like cave men.
These kids are a dime a dozen. Know what the kicker is? Women are still attracted to them. It’s not your fault. Sure, you could grow out your hair, pretend to stop caring about people and drink tons of keg beer, but then you’d just be competing with the sea of dudes already occupying the ‘elusive snowboarder’ social caste-what would that accomplish?
By the same token, you’re obviously doing no good by being the human equivalent of a wet blanket. Let’s put it this way: Would you want to get down in the wet spot you cried yourself in your bed? Didn’t think so.
Hence, your paradox.
Here’s where I can help.
Let me let you in on a little somethin’-somethin’: It’s not necessarily that women are turned-off by your nice-guy aura, BUT we are undeniably intrigued by a man that makes us a little nervous, a guy that makes us wait a bit. Regardless of how great, charming, cool and all-around swell you may be, the fact that you are so readily available makes you seem somehow more commonplace-it shouldn’t, but it does.
Your course of action: Distance yourself a little from the object of your affection, but don’t be a Chad. Stay who you are, and let her realize what she’s missing when you’re no longer at her beck-and-call.
Let me give you an example we can all relate to. Carrie Bradshaw from HBO’s “Sex and the City” had a series of tumultuous relationships, “Big” being one of them. Clearly she should have married Aiden when she had the chance, or even that Paris dude who drank expensive wine and was into the arts. But, in the end, she runs back to Big because they regularly blow each other off, keep each other guessing and have incredible sex. I’m not going to make assumptions about your in-bed prowess, but the former two behaviors you can easily emulate to your advantage.
My advice is this: For the next little while, drop the friend bit and become indifferent. Try not to let your fear of coming across as ‘just another guy’ prevent you from spitting your own respective brand of game-even if these girls don’t get it, I swear there are others who will be totally into you.
Stop wasting time on women who have taken a good look at your goods and opted not to take advantage of them. It’s their loss.
Eryn Green contributed to this article.