April 18Monday

Ah, The Grand Kerfuffle-Calendar’s arch nemesis. Armed with a veritable cornucopia of diabolical powers-including, but not limited to, the ability to kerfufflinate, poison via kerfufflage and generally cause massive, widespread kerfuffle-panic-this evil mastermind is not your everyday, run-of-the-mill Kerfuffle.The battle of Calendar vs. Kerfuffle began years ago, when Calendar was but a burgeoning smart-ass events listing running black-ops missions for the KGB. Our code name was Belligerent Borscht, and our lack of mercy and trademark death-by-soup technique were known and feared throughout mother Russia. Our notoriety was only eclipsed by that of our squad komander-yes, that is how we spelled it in the KGB, thank you very much-the brutal and brilliant Josef Kerfuffle. Under his watchful eye-literally, the man only had one eye: the other was stolen by an enemy spy-pigeon-Calendar and our komrads did heinous deeds that we are still unable to talk about without lapsing into a state of post-traumatic stress. One day, Calendar just couldn’t take it anymore. When Kerfuffle ordered Calendar to steal candy-from a baby!-we told Kerfuffle he was a braggart and a scourge and that if we never saw his pigeon-ravished face again, it would be too soon. Granted, Calendar lacks a conscious, but there are some things we just can’t do.We walked away from our life as a mercenary then and there, and in our absence, Kerfuffle went crazy. He took over the KGB and then The Kremlin and gave himself the title of Grand. All the while, Kerfuffle swore that he would one day exact his revenge on Calendar for dissenting.Now that day has come-with the help of ASUU, The Grand Kerfuffle is recruiting volunteers for his legions of faithful assassins. The Grand Kerfuffle Volunteer Sign-Up takes place today at 1 p.m. on the Union Patio. The evil genius has even recruited the help of The Violent Femmes to assist in Calendar’s demise-and he knows we love that band!It’s time to pick sides, Calendar cadets-are you with us or against us? Speak now, or forever hold your tongue.

Which reminds Calendar of a poet we encountered after leaving the KGB-the non-verbal Zen linguist, Silent, I Mustang. Silent, I was a thoughtful fellow, prone to long periods of…um…silence, but man, was his silence ever pretty. There was this one time when Calendar and Silent, I were hanging out in a Buddhist monastery-hey, we had to redeem our wretched soul somehow-just chillin’ and the guy just didn’t say anything. Not one thing. Man, it was so epic. Anyway, looks like now our old friend has broken his vow of verbal abstinence, as Silent, I Mustang is playing tonight at Circuit (7711 S. 700 West) at 7 p.m. Tickets available at the door.

Or you could go to the Prelaw Students Society Elections and Social tonight at 6:30 p.m., in Union room B. Because that sounds like more fun than…well…nothing.