Shaken, not Calendared

May 27Friday

Nobody knew us back in the day, when Calendar was compulsively clad in dirty jeans and greasy T-shirts, but we assure you of this much-we were freakin’ awesome. We had the smelly-rocker thing down to an art-we never actually partied and/or rocked, but man, we sure looked the part. We’d roll out of bed, a full recommended eight hours of sleep under our belt, and immediately seek out the clothes from the piles on the floor that had been washed longest ago, throw them on and head to the bathroom. Once inside, we opted never to shower, rather wiping grease and swill all over our body and through our grotesque, matted hair. God, we were so hot. Our scheme was simple, and with our motives in mind (well, motive, actually: getting laid), an understandable one. See, Calendar was never really very cool-we know, we know: Hard to believe considering how obscenely sweet we are these days-and so we needed to devise a plan to get ourselves noticed by members of the opposite sex (and not just their horny, not-yet-neutered dogs). “Dungeons and Dragons” didn’t work for us (you can only sleep with so many level 27 Orcs before your self-esteem is irreversibly shattered), neither did listening to punk (we thought being spit on would be a turn-on, but you’d be surprised…) and we were always too skinny/adorned in horn-rimmed glasses to play sports. What else could we do besides become a Metalhead, playing tonight at the Velvet Room (200 S. 155 West) at 10:30 p.m. for $5. That’s right kids, the rock comes cheap and hard this time around-just like we know your mother’s sister’s cousin likes it.

May 28Saturday

Speaking of your mother’s sister’s cousin-will you tell her we’re sorry about everything, that the llama meant nothing to us, and that she’s the only three-limbed mutant woman for us? Calendar would really appreciate that.We’d also appreciate it if fewer underage, prepubescent, ironically androgynous scenester skanks would listen to awful music-but, with the Finch and Vendetta Red show tonight at Lo-Fi Caf (219 S. 600 West) for $15 at 8:30 p.m., we somehow doubt it’ll happen. Hey kids, just a heads-up-those guys scream because they can’t sing, and they cry because they’re monumental sissies. You know that, right?

Calendar is sorry to have to be the ones to tell you (well, actually, we’re not sorry-it gave us great joy to break your oh-so-annoyingly vulnerable hearts once more), but at least we’re being straight with you. Nope, no lies here at Calendar HQ. No fabrications. No exaggerations. No hyperbole-just honest sauce, Straight No Chaser, at the Bayou (645 S. State) at 8 p.m. Be there or be sober, sucka.

May 29Sunday

Then once you’ve slept off the bad music/bad mojo, head directly over to the Velvet Room (200 S. 155 West) to detox with the good music/ better mojo of none other than Doug Martsch and Built to Spill, who play with the inimitable Mike Johnson tonight at 7:30 for $14. Hey kids, just another heads-up-you know all that crappy music you’re so into these days (dry your eyes for the love of Pete, and pay attention to something other than your own self-imposed dramatic misery for two seconds, sheesh)? Well, members of Built to Spill started it all. Only they did it well. And didn’t suck. At all. And your bands do suck. All the time. That’s all.