Find your fortune in this week’s horoscopes

By By Madame Ezmee

By Madame Ezmee

Aries 3/21-4/19

A wise man once said, “Yo baby, I know we just hit it, but you gotta go before my woman gets home.” This week, you are the wise man.

Taurus 4/20-5/20

This week, you are “baby” (see the Aries horoscope above,) so like I always say, wrap it up, you don’t know where that Aries has been.

Gemini 5/21-6/21

Did you know that there are camels in Guadalajara that have eyes on the back of their humps?

They were part of a cell modification study. What I am trying to say is, learn to watch your ass.

Cancer 6/22-7/22

The richest people in the world are only beautiful on the inside. So when you’re looking in the mirror and are depressed with your unavoidable hideousness, don’t worry-you can still be rich, you just won’t ever be a rich stripper.

Leo 7/23-8/22

As the lion of the zodiac, you are the most sensual being of all the signs. This week, be a sexual tyrannosaurus, a small brain with little room for things like thoughts, but a large body with lots of loving to go around.

Virgo 8/23-9/22

Sometimes, when you listen to the bagpipes long enough, you can imagine yourself turning into a crazy toothless Scottish highlander, and sometimes you just need to turn the bagpipes off. You choose.

Libra 9/23-10/22

When you feel the urge to scream at someone for so long that your head explodes into a trillion pieces and impales the person you were yelling at, remember Barbie, always smiling, even if her body wouldn’t survive gravity in human proportions.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21

If you sting me one more time, you ass, I will stab you with my dead twin’s collarbone. No one stings Madame Ezmee…no one.

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

As I was watching “Days of Our Lives” the other day, I noticed that Bo Brady is as hairy as an ape, whereas his male counterparts are as bare as a pre-pubescent girl. Be the ape if you want to be the ape.

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

You should try new things this week. Here are some suggestions: not sucking like the Capricorn that you are.

Aquarius 1/20-2/18

This week, a new love will enter your life.

However, that new love will leave immediately if he or she discovers your syphilis. My advice: Get a Penicillin shot and keep it under wraps (pun intended).

Pisces 2/19-3/20

In all honesty, you might just want to stay in bed this week. Otherwise, you’re screwed.

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