Aries 3/21 – 4/19This week you’ll be like those people who walk and talk on a cell phone while writing in an organizer. While you are doing that, make a note that you have become your mother: Overworked, with a bitchy attitude and dusty nether-regions. Taurus 4/20 – 5/20On a football team, the quarterback and center have the best relationship. So, to become better friends with someone, be like the quarterback-get your face near someone’s butt and ask him or her to hike it.
Gemini 5/21 – 6/21The beginning of this week will have you feeling more refreshed than that minty tingle you get from mouthwash. But that will go away when a 200-lbs. gorilla goes house on you. Good luck with that.
Cancer 6/22 – 7/22As crab of the zodiac, people might think you’re ill-tempered. I think you are less of a crab and more of a blue-eyed lemur: Black and blue ’cause you got schooled for being such a crab.
Leo 7/23 – 8/22Once, Madame Ezmee saw a girl looking in a mirror while she ate. I thought it odd until I realized she was just making sure her hair extensions didn’t fall out with her rigorous chewing. The lesson: Don’t get cheap hair extensions. Virgo 8/23 – 9/22Rich people wonder, “Is the Evian bottle half empty or half full?” I wonder why you’re pondering happiness when you’ve got a $2 bottle of water. Get a freaking water filter. Libra 9/23 – 10/22Martha Stewart has had a lot of competition. Although she has faced the worst (insanity, divorce, prison rape), she always comes out ahead. Why? Martha has copper pots, and no one messes with the copper pots. Invest now.
Scorpio 10/23 – 11/21This week will be extremely stressful. Don’t let it get to you or you will end up as cranky as two menstruating sorority girls fighting over the last tampon in the bathroom of their oversized mansion.
Sagittarius 11/22 – 12/21There are tribes in Djibouti that roll in elephant dung and lie silently in the desert for a year. You’ve mastered smelling like elephant crap, but you need to practice silence. It’s golden.
Capricorn 12/22 – 1/19A new season of “The OC” is starting and we could all learn from its character Marissa Cooper. Pretending to be a lesbian, becoming an alcoholic, overdosing in Tijuana and shooting your boyfriend’s brother won’t make you happy.
Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18Madame Ezmee heard that stiff jeans cause a lot of discomfort. It’s hard to sit, they chafe and excessive “friction” is just painful. But if you think you look good in them, what else matters?
Pisces 2/19 – 3/20While you’re getting screwed over, you should start screwing over the people who are screwing you. At least that way there’ll be a whole lot of screwing going on and, really, who doesn’t like that?