The University of Utah's Independent Student Voice

The Daily Utah Chronicle

The University of Utah's Independent Student Voice

The Daily Utah Chronicle

The University of Utah's Independent Student Voice

The Daily Utah Chronicle

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Write for Us
Want your voice to be heard? Submit a letter to the editor, send us an op-ed pitch or check out our open positions for the chance to be published by the Daily Utah Chronicle.
@TheChrony
Print Issues

Madame Ezmee and her prosthetic nose speak truth

By Madame Ezmee

Aries 3/21 – 4/19Expect to be under more pressure than Pamela Anderson’s string bikini. Just don’t burst, because no one wants to see that kind of scarring.

Taurus 4/20 – 5/20You are as powerful as an Upper East Side teenage girl with her daddy’s platinum card this week. Live it up and buy a faux croc skin Prada…anyone who is anyone rocks the croc.

Gemini 5/21 – 6/21Gemini, if you two think I’m going to share anything with you after you had a threesome with my boyfriend, you are sorely mistaken. You can read a copy of Seventeen magazine to get your horoscope this week, you street-walking hussy.

Cancer 6/22 – 7/22When danger strikes in the form of a slippery Capri Sun puddle on a bus, remember two things: Be cool as a cucumber and, if it’s a puddle of Pacific Cooler Capri Sun, you should suck it off the ground…because that stuff is good.

Leo 7/23 – 8/22Friday, after drinking five Rockstars on an empty stomach, I came to a realization: Just because your heart is beating as fast as a hummingbird’s, it doesn’t mean you can fly.

Virgo 8/23 – 9/22A journey through a birth canal doesn’t need to be a once-in-a-lifetime experience. I recommend attempting that venture a second time around, just to see if you can. Tell your mother you just want to talk.

Libra 9/23 – 10/22You’re like a whistling teapot, Libra, full of that snobbish Earl Grey. When you remove the aristocratic scepter from your ass, we’ll all be able to live a little happier.

Scorpio 10/23 – 11/21Last year after being dumped by a guy who sells soap from the trunk of his car, Madame Ezmee ate her weight in Funions, Abba-Zabbas and Chinese takeout. With the takeout, there was a fortune cookie that read: “Don’t date people who sell soap from their cars.” Good lesson.

Sagittarius 11/22 – 12/21Did you know that tabby cats are experienced enough to play professional pool? You should buy one because that could make you a lot of money.

Capricorn 12/22 – 1/19Once, while riding down the hills of the Avenues inside of a garbage can, I ran into a parked car with a bumper sticker that read: “Party like a gabdula.” You, my friend, are a gabdula.

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18During the Age of Aquarius, I was a train conductor. In my hours of shoveling coal, I learned this: Don’t put combustibles into a furnace. You could end up with a prosthetic nose…like me.

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20The stars are aligned, the cosmos are feelin’ friendly, and Pisces, I have good news for you: YOU’RE A KING…among carp.

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