Madame Ezmee and her prosthetic nose speak truth

By By Madame Ezmee

By Madame Ezmee

Aries 3/21 – 4/19Expect to be under more pressure than Pamela Anderson’s string bikini. Just don’t burst, because no one wants to see that kind of scarring.

Taurus 4/20 – 5/20You are as powerful as an Upper East Side teenage girl with her daddy’s platinum card this week. Live it up and buy a faux croc skin Prada…anyone who is anyone rocks the croc.

Gemini 5/21 – 6/21Gemini, if you two think I’m going to share anything with you after you had a threesome with my boyfriend, you are sorely mistaken. You can read a copy of Seventeen magazine to get your horoscope this week, you street-walking hussy.

Cancer 6/22 – 7/22When danger strikes in the form of a slippery Capri Sun puddle on a bus, remember two things: Be cool as a cucumber and, if it’s a puddle of Pacific Cooler Capri Sun, you should suck it off the ground…because that stuff is good.

Leo 7/23 – 8/22Friday, after drinking five Rockstars on an empty stomach, I came to a realization: Just because your heart is beating as fast as a hummingbird’s, it doesn’t mean you can fly.

Virgo 8/23 – 9/22A journey through a birth canal doesn’t need to be a once-in-a-lifetime experience. I recommend attempting that venture a second time around, just to see if you can. Tell your mother you just want to talk.

Libra 9/23 – 10/22You’re like a whistling teapot, Libra, full of that snobbish Earl Grey. When you remove the aristocratic scepter from your ass, we’ll all be able to live a little happier.

Scorpio 10/23 – 11/21Last year after being dumped by a guy who sells soap from the trunk of his car, Madame Ezmee ate her weight in Funions, Abba-Zabbas and Chinese takeout. With the takeout, there was a fortune cookie that read: “Don’t date people who sell soap from their cars.” Good lesson.

Sagittarius 11/22 – 12/21Did you know that tabby cats are experienced enough to play professional pool? You should buy one because that could make you a lot of money.

Capricorn 12/22 – 1/19Once, while riding down the hills of the Avenues inside of a garbage can, I ran into a parked car with a bumper sticker that read: “Party like a gabdula.” You, my friend, are a gabdula.

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18During the Age of Aquarius, I was a train conductor. In my hours of shoveling coal, I learned this: Don’t put combustibles into a furnace. You could end up with a prosthetic nose…like me.

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20The stars are aligned, the cosmos are feelin’ friendly, and Pisces, I have good news for you: YOU’RE A KING…among carp.