Stare into The Chronicle’s crystal ball, all will be revealed

By By Madame Ezmee

By Madame Ezmee

Aries 3/21 – 4/19I am looking into my crystal ball and I have one question for you: Did you really spend the whole weekend playing beer pong? Gosh, you are a bigger loser than I originally thought.

Taurus 4/20 – 5/20Sex can be a very funny thing (especially when it’s with someone you met in a McDonald’s parking lot at 2 a.m.), but it’s never so funny that you should laugh in the middle of it. I did that once, and I ended up the subject of an advice letter to Danni Nutter.

Gemini 5/21 – 6/21You’ve got an attitude that no one wants to be around. You should get over it, or before you know it, you’re going to be sitting on a bean bag in a trailer watching reruns of “Full House” with nothing but a bottle of rotten Yoo-hoo and me.

Cancer 6/22 – 7/22Ever notice that Lil’ Kim isn’t so “Lil’?” She gave herself a name that doesn’t reflect who she really is. I guess by those standards you could be Chlamydia-free Cancer.

Leo 7/23 – 8/22Madame Ezmee came home the other night to find her roommate picking lint off the carpet with a magnifying glass and a pair of tweezers. It was then that I realized you should never move next door to a meth house.

Virgo 8/23 – 9/22Summer is over, and you know what that means: frumpy sweaters, pasty skin and zero physical attraction to anyone. I’d say it’s time to dust off the ole’ beer goggles.

Libra 9/23 – 10/22I know you want to be like a Fanta girl on TV: Tight outfit, hot body, void of intelligent thoughts. But sometimes you have to accept that you are like the Snapple lady: Destined to appear on a reality show featuring your weight loss and Gary Busey.

Scorpio 10/23 – 11/21During a brief stint as a prostitute in Vietnam, Madame Ezmee learned two things about life: a) Having a nose increases your value as a prostitute, and b) Never assume that chickens’ feet from a man is just a gift…they always want something in return.

Sagittarius 11/22 – 12/21You’ve been in a sexual drought, and, I’ve gotta tell you, you really need to conquer the funk before you end up on the floor crying your mascara off while wailing Celine Dion’s “All By Myself.”

Capricorn 12/22 – 1/19After partying with an Aries, I woke up and couldn’t remember the previous night. I just had a picture of Mr. Belvedere tattooed to my chest and a fridge full of EZ Cheez and hot dogs. Capricorn, you need to party with an Aries ’cause that is one crazy-ass ram.

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18Did you know that there are some fraternal organizations that offer their members free lobotomies? I would suggest that you join one, but not only would you not fit in, but you would also be unable to benefit from a free lobotomy.

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20Some people are destined to be alone. You’ve been rejected by returned missionaries, drunken frat boys, circus clowns, taxi drivers, Siamese twins and Mariah Carey….maybe you should adopt a dog and buy a TiVo ’cause it’s going to be a long, lonely life, Pisces.