Aries 3/21 – 4/19This week is not looking so promising, Aries. I see a road trip, projectile vomiting, donkeys, alcohol and an unexpected pregnancy. Are you headed to a frat party or something?
Taurus 4/20 – 5/20Recently, Madame Ezmee ran into some financial trouble and, at the ripe age of 63, had to move back into a double wide with her mother. Taurus, it never pays to invest in products with names like “Wonderschlong.”
Gemini 5/21 – 6/21The show “Desperate Housewives” is back on TV. I recommend watching it sometime, because if there is one thing I know you will love, it’s a show with sex, scandal and a bunch of 40-year-old MILFs. Gemini, you dog.
Cancer 6/22 – 7/22Don’t ever go to a hypnotist! I once did while trying to solve my Richard Grieco obsession. Not only am I still obsessed, but I’ve also developed a love for SPAM, and every time someone snaps his or her fingers, I ask the person nearest me to get the “humpin’ and pumpin'” started.
Leo 7/23 – 8/22This weekend, I had a one-woman party that involved Christmas lights, blasting a never-ending disco compilation until 5 a.m., singing to myself in a mirror, boondoggle and the movie “Evil Dead.” Never underestimate the entertainment potential of cheap beer.
Virgo 8/23 – 9/22Colored spandex should be a staple in the wardrobes of people everywhere, because it’s tight and flattering to all forms. Who knew camels even had toes?
Libra 9/23 – 10/22This week, my mother, who is a Libra, will celebrate her birthday. I thought, perhaps with another year under her belt, she could use a little extra room in her pants. So I got her liposuction because no one wants to live in a doublewide with a 500-pound gypsy.
Scorpio 10/23 – 11/21I recently started menopause. With the fluctuation in body temperature, extra blood and zero pregnancy risk, I’ve got news for you, Scorpio: Madame Ezmee is hot, energetic and free for dinner Friday. Taco Bell or McDonald’s? Your treat.
Sagittarius 11/22 – 12/21Sagittarius, I’m glad you’re reading this because I need to tell you something: You’re lazy, not very good looking, unintelligent and a very big loser. Now that you are aware, enjoy your day.
Capricorn 12/22 – 1/19Sometimes, for a little extra money, Ezmee works in the Home Depot plumbing section. If you were ever looking for a good pickup line, allow me to offer one of the best thrown my way: “Hey Ezmee, I’ve got a wicked hair clog. Wanna Drano?”
Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18Aquarius, your life is boring. You watch “Law & Order: S.V.U.” and eat Lean Cuisine. You spend weekends with your cats and take trips to Costco if you feel adventurous. You need a stack of singles and someone to drive you to Tijuana.
Pisces 2/19 – 3/20You’ve got such great social skills, Pisces. You could really be a gynecologist, because you could be at a party, up to your elbows in female genitalia, and you’re still able to carry on a great conversation. Can you say PAP smear while holding a beer? I bet you can.