Ooh, ooh! Walk on me, please! Student athletes are so cool that the rest of us should just hand over our bank statements

Dear Basketball Players,

You give the university spirit. You give us national recognition and put us in the spotlight. It is obvious that our university would be nothing without you. While you are here, you are truly the princes of Salt Lake City.

That is why I was so excited to see you at two parties this past weekend. You weren’t invited to either of them, but that’s OK-you play for the school that got not one, but two, number one draft picks! Cool!

It was good to see you walk in the door Friday night without so much as knocking. It was great to watch you grab drinks as though you were entitled to them.

Perhaps my favorite part, though, was how you felt you were above showing any respect for the hosts of the parties.

I haven’t seen a whole group of kids taunt three crying girls in a long time. Flashbacks to high school, anyone? Elementary school?

I’m glad you didn’t give in to the hosts’ requests to leave or even step into the backyard.

Of course it doesn’t matter if the police come: You’re athletes!

After all that, I was amazed to see you out and about Saturday as well.

Two nights in a row? It’s like a MUSS groupie’s wildest fantasy! The best part was, when told you couldn’t come into the party, you decided to start pushing people.

You shouldn’t have to worry about university policies about non-affiliated students attending Greek Row parties-you rule this school!

In fact, you reminded us all of that fact by telling us how quickly you could get a registered party shut down!

Unfortunately, it didn’t work, though I can’t imagine why.

But you were resilient, showing the same grit and determination you would on the basketball court.

When your previous efforts failed, you just tried to round up some guys to push your way into the house. Oh, and I especially like how you shared your “real world experience” with the in-state students, telling them that you don’t do things like we do them here.

You aren’t from Utah. You don’t talk, you get serious. Boo-yah! When your push failed, you hung out on the corner. I liked the way you rebelled against those jerks by sulking in the street.

Then, when the police told you to leave, you gave me that extra tingle of school spirit as you drove away, yelling at the cops.

Way to stick it to The Man!

The only sad part of this story is the fact that just a few members of our basketball team are so kick-ass. For all I know, the rest of them stayed at home, like pansies, and didn’t crash any parties or disrespect anyone all weekend long.

I’m glad to know my student fees are helping you cool basketball players. I’m sure those big donors to the Crimson Club are ecstatic to help you feel better about yourself. It can get depressing knowing that 95 out of 100 of your Division-I peers will not go pro. Keep practicing, and maybe you’ll be in that top five!

I’m glad that your college hoops career can help give you that boost of self-confidence we all need around this time of our lives.

It’s so good to know that we have important people like you on campus. Hope to see you next weekend!

Your new friend,

Nick Macey

P.S. Thanks for telling me to “put that in The Chrony” as you drove off. Turns out it was a great idea!

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