Straight outta Calendar

Wednesday

Oct. 5

Make em’ say Calendar, nuh-na-nuh-na!

That’s right, yo, C-Dizzle back in this Muhfuh, representin’ the streets like Saussure-sign, signifier, signified, sucka! Calendar be all like the semiotics of the hood.

Ain’t you gettin’ the picture? Calendar’s abstract like Picasso-we’re gonna slice, dice and cubist yo’ ass.

To prove Calendar ain’t no New Jack, we’re gonna Wesley Snipe ya’ll with some legit O.G. rhymes. Here, for the first time anywhere, is the hot-fire premier of Calendar’s debut rap album: C.W.A. Vol. 1: Straight Outta Calendar

Spit it like you dippin’!

“Calendar be an American/ But don’t call us George Bush/ We spit rhymes like we was pregnant/ All night long/ Big push!

Calendar be the freshest/ Like Dr. Scholl’s, no odor/ Calendar start up asses nightly/ We the gas, they the motor!

Every single year/ We the numba’ one stunna’/ Hit the ground like DMC/ Just call us C-Runna!”

“Calendar be literary/ Ain’t no passive voice/ We ain’t make nothin’ easy/ Critics read us like James Joyce.

Ulysses/ Dubliners/ Finnegan’s Wake/ Just hand that Peace Prize over/ Calendar’s verse ain’t nothin’ fake. Take a class/ Check the footnotes/ Even cheat if you must/ Calendar be valedictorian/ We all like, “4.0 or bust!”

That’s right, we turning pages/ We art for art’s sake/ Rhyme in stanza/ Rhyme in chapters/ Just like the Book Festival of Great Salt Lake, today at the Main Library (210 E. 400 South).”

“Yo, our money’s like the seasons/ First froze, then thawed/ Bling shinin’ so brightly/ Rednecks all like, “Guess what I just saw’d!

It ain’t no joke/ Calendar penned the manuals/ Check our mad skillz out/ Like we was The Annuals (with Tolchock Trio), at Kilby Court (741 S. 331 West) at 7:30 p.m., for $6″

“You ain’t know Calendar/ So just stop frontin/ C-Dizzle toast yo’ grill in our E-Z Bake Oven! Our hood is the illest/ Fo’ real, no lie/ Calendar like the Concord/ Just watch the rhymes fly!”

“Calendar getting tipsy just like Whipple/ Just like our name was C.D./ Ain’t nuthin’ but gin and juice Between the Buried and Me, playing with The Black Dahlia Murder at Lo-Fi Caf (165 S. West Temple) at 7 p.m., for $12.”

“Calendar been to jail/ Yeah kid, we know the slamma/ Warden let us right back out, though/ We too legit like M.C. Hamma!

This business be Monopoly/ Free parkin’, Park Place/ Calendar rob all the property/ Like snot right out yo’ face!”

“Calendar like LeBron/ Draft pick, first team/ Our game be stiff like whiskey/ Groupies call us Jim Beam!

We a playa’, son/ Not b-ball, but snooker/ Out at night, walkin’ streets/ like our name was John Lee Hooker Jr., playing at Sun & Moon Caf (5195 Emigration Canyon) at 7 p.m.”

“Our record’s long awaited/ Like our name was Fiona/ Treat your ass like Sony Records/ ‘Straight up, kid/ We own ya!'”

Fiona Apple Listening Party at Sugarbeats (2106 S. 1100 East)

“Calendar be the realest/ Hardcore just like 50/ Spittin’ rhymes/ Bustin’ caps/ Straight street in Salt Lake City!

Calendar roll up in the joint/ Takin’ shots like Lil’ Kimmy/ Our rhymes shoot up the club/ Like our name was C.Diddy!”

“Calendar be like a billboard/ Only we ain’t frontin’/ Babe Ruth, Sammy Sosa/ Ain’t no chance we ever buntin’!

No never, not Calendar/ We be swingin’ for the fences/ Like Agassi or McEnroe/ We grandslamin’ suckas senseless!”

Turn the bass up in our headphones. Let the beat run…

Ride or die! Calendar out.