By Madame Ezmee

Aries 3/21-4/19It’s Homecoming week, so Ezmee decided to decorate her sorority house. Unfortunately, she got disqualified. I guess we should have known that re-creating any scene from Jenna Jameson’s “Candy Suxxx” is inappropriate at the U.

Taurus 4/20-5/20I was in bed with a cold all weekend. After three bottles of Robitussin and a package of toaster strudel, I realized that, no matter how poor you are or how strong you think your immune system is, you should never lick a doorknob for money.

Gemini 5/21-6/21Gemini, I heard you think Ezmee is all about the sex. Well, I have news for you: These days, I’m on my back far less than Alex Smith… I guess that doesn’t say much.

Cancer 6/22-7/22I decided to enter the Homecoming pageant, but when Cassi Anderson lip-synched Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You,” I knew I had no chance of winning. You can’t beat that kind of raw talent by ingesting a world record-breaking amount of bologna.

Leo 7/23-8/22Ezmee’s father, who is a Leo/chimney sweep/idiot, shrank my favorite sweater in the dryer. To return the favor, I took his wallet and bought myself a range of items, including beef jerky, laser hair removal (for my back) and the DVD box set of “Bonanza.” Don’t mess with a mystic’s clothing. Virgo 8/23-9/22Virgo, you’ve got problems. You have no manners, you drink more than the population of Ireland, and you’re cock-eyed. Someone should have spoken to your mother about the benefits of birth control.

Libra 9/23-10/22Every night before you go to bed, you should thank God for the Sci-Fi channel. One day, it will be your only friend.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21Charity is extremely good karma. This week, I recommend giving back to your community because people who do nothing but eat Hamburger Helper and watch Jerry Springer all day need our help, too.

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21The reality TV show “Breaking Bonaduce” reminds me of you, Sagittarius, because like Danny Bonaduce, you’re a crazy fire-crotch with a fiery attitude to match!

Capricorn 12/22-1/19Paris Hilton and her fianc Paris “I have a Greek last name” broke up. The lesson from their heartache is: Porn stars don’t want to settle down and make babies… with fewer than four people.

Aquarius 1/20-2/18Your love life has seen better days. You should try the “Campus Lovin'” section of The Chronicle. Where else are you going to find a college student who wants to date an unattractive, toothless inbred with an affinity for corndogs?

Pisces 2/19-3/20Pisces, I feel as though you don’t take my advice seriously. So in the wise words of Ludacris, “Can I get it on a platter, shatter your bladder and put so much light in yo’ life I’ll make the roaches scatter?”