The Provo Paper
From a recent article that was never published, the make-believe Provo Paper reported, “A 7-year-old boy was at the center of a Provo courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
“The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents, and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child-custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.
“The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.
“After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, he took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
“After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child-welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the BYU Cougars football team, which the judge firmly believes is not capable of beating anyone.”
Brigham Young University
The Daily Universe
In a recent letter to the editor published Oct. 6, Sister Sarah Gibby wrote, “I am a BYU student who is currently serving in the Germany Berlin Mission. I just wanted to thank the BYU Folk Dance team-their summer tour in 2004 led to at least one baptism!”
The convert, a woman, said one special young man polka’d his way into her heart.
In the article “Calculator fanatic scores big at contest,” published Oct. 7, The Universe reports, “Tim Wessman didn’t fidget the night before his wedding. He said he simply spent a romantic evening with his fiance, proofreading his award-winning entry for a calculator design contest.”
Later that night, Wessman and his wife consummated their marriage by playing a calculator game available on the new Texas Instruments model, the TI-69.
Salt Lake Community College
The Globe
In the article “Um, I don’t think that’s a good idea,” published Oct. 12, Aaron Smith said: “Normally, I find myself in the minority…Like the lone man sitting amongst the audience during a Dr. Phil episode taping, I usually find everyone in the group looking at me as if I had just killed a baby kitten, simply because I am different. I am a supporter of President Bush.”
Wait, there are still President Bush supporters?
Utah Valley State College
The College Times
In a College Times letter to the editor, published Oct. 9, Desiree Zobell complains that the iPod is destroying her social life. “Recently my little sister received an iPod for her birthday, and now I hardly get a word out of her…Not too long ago we drove to Salt Lake City and the whole car trip, not a single word was uttered…I went with my singles ward on a camping trip…The minute I got in the car three of the passengers put on their head phones and started jamming away to their iPods…It was kind of a scary sight for a singles ward activity.”
Later she looked in the mirror and realized she was an ugly, pitiful woman, and that’s why everyone was ignoring her.