By Madame Ezmee

Aries 3/21-4/19Aries, I know you try hard to be a really cool person, but let’s face it: You’re short, you have crooked teeth and, unless alcoholism becomes a profession, you’re going nowhere with your life. Also, I heard you have a raging case of halitosis. You should just join the cast of “The Real World” right now.

Taurus 4/20-5/20Ezmee’s son Burrnard recently joined the mentally challenged ranks of the Phi Xi Delta Xi Theta fraternity. I think we could all learn a lesson from these boys, who have goals like ending world hunger, clothing the naked and being chlamydia-free by 2013.

Gemini 5/21-6/21Starving is never fun…unless, like you, you could stand to lose a pound or two. No one wants to date a person who could envelop their significant other in a layer of his or her body fat. Just so you know.

Cancer 6/22-7/22This weekend, Madame Ezmee saved a life. Yes, the guy was drunk, hanging off a roof, and by all means should have fallen to the cement below. But ladies, when you’re dating a winner like my man, you’d pull him to the safety of his mobile-home roof, too.

Leo 7/23-8/22″Making The Band” is back on TV. Who doesn’t love a house full of girls who want to skank it out and betray each other for a chance at fame? No one!

Virgo 8/23-9/22For The Chronicle vs. the Associate Students of the University of Utah football game Friday, I plan on bringing my Aunt Babs with me. You can’t be an ass-kickin’ machine without a sexually frustrated woman with hair on her chest there to cheer you on.

Libra 9/23-10/22In the wise words of Dolly Parton’s “Steel Magnolias” character, Trudy, “There is no such thing as a natural beauty.” Plastic surgery is expensive. You should start saving now.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21Thanks to the technology of TiVo, I was able to pause the “A Current Affair” marathon I was watching to tell you that life is always better when you’re sitting in your underwear, eating pork rinds, scratching your belly, throwing empty beer cans at the cat and watching the demise of Western civilization.

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21In the fourth moon of Taurus, Saturn will align with Venus to target synchronization with Pluto. What I’m saying is: You will be getting more ass than Gordon Swift this weekend. And that’s a lot, apparently.

Capricorn 12/22-1/19This week, your thought process will be more strained than an obese man in the bathroom of a Chuck-O-Rama fighting with a crap hemorrhage. That’s nasty, man.

Aquarius 1/20-2/18It is a little-known fact that ASUU, as an entity, is an Aquarius. Considering that it will be playing The Chronicle in flag football this week, I see a lot of pain in Aquarius’ stars…and groins.

Pisces 2/19-3/20I have good news for you, Pisces: Some frat-daddy wants to have a permanent hot tub in the Union. However, I caution you, you should only go if you are wearing a body condom. You don’t know what might be floating around in that water. My crystal ball predicts oozing and burning, and possibly some Ebola.