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The University of Utah's Independent Student Voice

The Daily Utah Chronicle

The University of Utah's Independent Student Voice

The Daily Utah Chronicle

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Want your voice to be heard? Submit a letter to the editor, send us an op-ed pitch or check out our open positions for the chance to be published by the Daily Utah Chronicle.
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The Book of Rocky: His Political Ministry and Reign

Chapter One

1. And lo, it came to pass, that a man rose up out of the north, in a land called Salt Lake City, near unto a lake that stinketh, in a time of political unrest. And great was his rise, as was his ego.

2. And he did covet the Mayor’s Seat.

3. And in the Year of our Lord, nineteen hundred and ninety and nine, the people of Salt Lake City were drunken in their voting. And the political drink was strong, and the man won Mayorship.

4. And this man’s name was Ross; and Ross called himself “Rocky,” after the manner of Stallone.

5. Now it was the manner of this people to elect one man to execute power, and one council to advise and balance the power of that man.

6. And it came to pass in the first year of the reign of the Rock that great rumblings and turmoil arose at the council seat. And Rocky’s wrath did grow.

7. And lo, he said unto the people of the land, I am Rocky, and great and terrible are my workings: great for some, and terrible for those who oppose me. Follow me, or face my verbal gnashings and labored firings.

8. And he did institute his will on the people, taxing their patience with a great taxing.

9. And Rocky dwelt in the Mayor’s Office.

10. Lo, in the second year of the reign of the Rock, the world gathered together in the tops of the mountains, and didst ski and sleigh and skate in attempts to gain victory over the other.

11. And the Salt Lake City had become a fair and delightsome place, a peculiar place where families thrived, industry grew and corners of the world met in worship, in friendship and in community.

12. And this peculiar place had risen up in the desert, like a rose.

13. But this rose, to the nose of the Rock, did neither smell so sweet, nor did it “do it for him.”

14. And as the world came with their liquors and late dancing, it entered into Rocky’s heart to change the city from what it once was.

15. For the people of Salt Lake City did not call for late dancing, neither did they thirst for strong liquors. And this didst irk Rocky.

16. And so, in the third year of the reign of the Rock, he did commence his great plan to drag Salt Lake City into wine and drink, into dancing and raucous celebrations.

17. Nevertheless, the cords with which Rocky bound his people were neither fine, nor were they strong.

18. For Rocky didst attempt to sway his people toward looser liquor laws and later dancing curfews. And the people heard him not, and the council didst hear the voice of the people, and they called for it not.

19. And Rocky swore, with a great swearing, that he would still have his way.

To be continued…

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