By Madame Ezmee

Aries 3/21-4/19

I wish my crystal ball had parental-control options because the sight of you, Aries, getting it on with that ugly high-school chick wearing pink ruffled underwear makes me physically ill. Gag (reflex).

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Madame Ezmee used to love frat boys until I realized something important: You should never be attracted to a mammal that is inclined to fall asleep in a puddle of its own vomit.

Gemini 5/21-6/21

Sexedy sex sex. Body paint and lubricant. God, I’m hot.

Cancer 7/22-7/22

At the bar Friday, some guy offered to buy Madame Ezmee a pint of beer. Note to suitors: A pint of beer isn’t enough to get a girl into bed. Just ask the BYU football team, they have to use whole kegs and induce unconsciousness.

Leo 7/23-8/22

If your week were a recipe, it would look like this:

1 cup – balding

2 dashes – frankincense

1 tbsp – Mmm Bop

And a six pack of coke

Virgo 8/23-9/22

On Sunday, Madame Ezmee went on a date with the most handsome man she has ever met. I tell you this, Virgo, because it is amazing what some hot ass will do for even the crankiest of attitudes.

Libra 9/23-10/22

It hadn’t hit me until now but, Libra, you remind me of Pee Wee Herman-a rebel, Dottie, a loner. But masturbation isn’t sex, Pee Wee. And you’re sorta tragic.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21

This week, as the sun aligns with Neptune, you will still be short, gaseous, a bad kisser and a royal gooch.

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

Sagittarius, the way you bagged my groceries the other day made my ice cream melt. I think I know an invitation when I see one. Consider the panties I left by the salad dressing an RSVP.

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

Now that it’s cold outside, may I suggest that you wear a coat?or consider a career in glass cutting.

Aquarius 1/20-2/18

Like my third sphincter, sometimes my “psychic eye” can be a curse. Aquarius, it’s impossible to forget an “ass fro” once its image has been etched into your brain.

Pisces 2/19-3/20

Madame Ezmee really admires the strong people in this world: Monica Lewinsky, Kobe Bryant and you, Pisces. No other person could handle being a dishwater skank in the public eye the way you do.