Tall, dark and clairvoyant: Ezmee says wash yo’ draws!

By By Madame Ezmee

By Madame Ezmee



Aries, you have the worst attitude of any ram I have ever come across, but that’s nothing that a swift punch to the anus won’t take care of.

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Madame Ezmee’s mother/gypsy/mail-order date has gone out of town this week, which is great because nothing beats a momentary sense of independence and unrestricted access to the sexy gimp your mother keeps locked in a box in her closet.

Gemini 5/21-6/21

This weekend, at the BYU vs. Utah football game, my crystal ball predicts a win. After all, the only time a BYU student can score is after marriage…or when in possession of some form of date-rape drug. Same thing.

Cancer 7/22-7/22

Recently, Madame Ezmee was elected president of the Mid-Western Psychics Association. It just goes to show that bribes, alcohol and sexual favors will take you wherever you want to go in life.

Leo 7/23-8/22

Lumpy’s Bar has to be the greatest place in the world. When you’re there, guys move like exotic dancers and alcohol flows like the Nile. The only way it could be better would be if there were a g-string-only dress code for the men…but that would be almost too perfect.

Virgo 8/23-9/22

I cry at night knowing that someone other than Danni Nutter will be writing The Chronicle’s advice column. As a tribute, let us all go out, have lots of sex and not call our partners afterward, leaving them to doubt their sensual abilities and lose large amounts of self-confidence.

Libra 9/23-10/22

Someone once told me, “Ezmee, you can only say panties so many times before I lose all respect for you.” Well, dirty panties, holy panties, stinky panties and mesh panties. Spank me and I’ll stop. Panties.



In addition to the annual “holy war,” The Chronicle will be venturing this weekend to the “happy valley” to challenge the BYU newspaper in a game of two-hand touch-officially introducing the BYU students to more human contact than they’ve ever known.

However, The Daily Universe is really at a loss because, win or lose, it’ll still have to take a trip to the bishop’s office for going “down under” to get to my flag. Naughty Cougars.

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

Ezmee recently discovered the beauty of prep-school boys. Yeah, they’re younger, and any relationship with me would be considered statutory rape, but NOTHING gets me hotter than head-to-toe argyle. Ohhh aristocrats.

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

Since today is recycling day, I thought I would do the public a favor and inform everyone that, no matter how many times he tries to tell you it’s OK, condoms are a non-recyclable item.

Aquarius 1/20-2/18

I used to wonder to myself, “Why, oh why, do the Pikes not get more ass?” Then, Thursday, it dawned on me: When you walk around smelling like urine because you have been sleeping in a room with a bunch of guys and have nothing but a bucket in which to relieve your sorry bladder, you’re bound to get turned down a couple of times. Chin up, guys. Chin up.

Pisces 2/19-3/20

The new “Harry Potter” movie opens this weekend, but I won’t be going. Personally, I don’t find it believable that after all these years as a teenager, we have not seen Harry, Ron or any of the other Hogwarts boys wake up with Hogwarts Wood. Ezmee likes to keep it real.