Peeping Tom

In a Nov. 16 e-mail to me, a reader wrote: “I enjoyed your article as it appeared in The Daily Universe today…I think you’re blasphemous ending only emphasizes your immaturity and light-mindedness…P.S. Could you tell your fans to please leave their beer, disrespect and f-words at home.”

F*** you! They’re coming.

In another Nov. 16 e-mail, a reader responded to my report that BYU girls are ugly and way overrated.

“As for the girls, I can see where you’re coming from, but if you find a beautiful girl down here, her quality is so much better then any girl you can find at Utah. I’m from Salt Lake, I know.”

Qualities of a BYU woman: birthing hips, multiple jell-O recipes and a Girl Scout promise that she’s a virgin.

In an anonymous Nov. 16 e-mail, a reader wrote: “Hey Patrick, (concerning your ‘Converting to Utahism’ article) I don’t think you should be making any comments about anybody’s looks, your picture did run with the column, believe me son, take what you can get. Funny article, enjoy your Coke.”

It appears I would fit in better with the BYU crowd.

In another e-mail sent Nov. 16, a reader wrote “I read your ‘Convert to Utahism,’ article in the BYU Daily Universe today…your article crossed the line between good fun and distasteful criticism…For example: ‘I hate Austin Ainge.’ You’re a returned missionary. Certainly you taught the loving message of the Gospel, not hate…When you ‘converted’ to Utahism, did you convert to something else?”

I converted to the Church of the Hating Austin Ainge Saints. It’s fun, and we never have a fast Sunday.

In another Nov. 16 e-mail, a reader wrote, “I’m statistically morally safer going out with an ugly BYU girl than a hot Utah girl. Who needs the temptation that comes with a hot girl?”

Ah, but statistically, you’re 100 percent guaranteed to marry an ugly woman-and remember, ugly is for eternity. Think about that.

In an e-mail sent to Matthew Piper on Nov. 16, a reader wrote, “I found your article to be the poorest display of journalism I have ever seen. Your biased, unresearched assertions about racial traffic stops are a mockery of the field. Even for an editorial, it reflects your immaturity and poor excuse to vent your own insecurities….the very mention of genocide is abhorrent and irresponsible.”

That’s why you belong in a bubble. Now back to FHE.

In an e-mail sent to Matt Patton on Nov. 16, a reader wrote, “Looks like your article choosing Whit over Bronco was a bit premature…Remember those frustrating years where Utah always seemed to lose a few crucial games because of defensive collapse…those years are back…P.S. Now that the ‘Natural Order’ has been re-established, you’ll be back cheering for the Cougs before long.”

Speaking of the “Natural Order,” looks like a rough year ahead for Cougar basketball. Look for John Beck to emerge as Ute football’s head coach in 10 years and meet your new BYU University President, Ali Hasnain.

[email protected]