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The Daily Utah Chronicle

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The Daily Utah Chronicle

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The Book of Rocky: His Political Ministry and Reign

By Eric Vogeler

Chapter Three

1. And thus commenced the fifth year of the reign of the Rock, and in that year, a portion of the people began to call for peace and a return to the ways of their fathers, for those ways had been perverted by Rocky and by the lesser voice of the people, for the lesser voice did tend to sound loudly.

2. Notwithstanding theirs being the lesser voice, they carried much weight with the Rock, and thus were given reign to do as they pleased, to lay with whom they wished and to benefit mutually from their insurance (so long as together did they lay).

3. Yea, they did only enjoy these benefits if they did know each other in the carnal way, for this was the way of the world, and this way did greatly please Rocky.

4. Verily, his glee was as great as the saltiness of the Lake, and in like manner did his devious plan stink as it were the brine of that Lake.

5. And Rocky did indulge in great schmoozing and boozing amongst the leaders of the world, or as they were more commonly known, “Jazz musicians.”

6. Therefore, in order to better please these Jazz leaders, he didst buy them liquors and wines with the taxes of his people, even to the sum of $633.74.

7. And this didst anger the greater voice of the people. And they rose up in righteous anger against Rocky, for lo, the statutes of the land strictly forbade the use of taxes for liquors.

8. And this did kindle Rocky’s wrath once again, and he employed the use of words, saying, this policy, which forbids my schmoozing, doth make us look stupid in the eyes of the world.

9. And at this day arose a group, and they did call themselves anti-Rocky Lakeites, and they were sick of the vain ambitions of Rocky; therefore they didst set about to ensnare the Rock, through guile, in his hypocrisy.

10. For it had come to pass in the early part of the fourth year of the reign of the Rock, that Rocky himself had approved the policy from which his wrath was kindled, yea, even affixing his own name to it in solemn declaration of its validity.

11. And the anti-Rocky Lakeites did show this unto the Rock.

12. But, verily, Rocky didst continue in his wrath, saying: I rarely read what I sign, and therefore, this policy was not known unto me until this very day when against me men do conspire.

13. Yet, it was known throughout the land that many great and important cities in the world had similar policies, and even in the land of Las Vegas did they prohibit this thing of which Rocky was accused.

14. And thus, Rocky didst do that which he most feared: appear stupid unto the eyes of the world. And thus ended the sixth year of the reign of the Rock, and he didst begin to nail his own coffin, making it tight, like unto a dish.


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