Give thanks for Madame Ezmee! Gobble, gobble, horoscope

By By Madame Ezmee

By Madame Ezmee

Aries 3/21-4/19You should be thankful that your ex-girlfriends aren’t more vocal-otherwise, more people would have heard that you’re a bad lay.

Taurus 4/20-5/20You should be thankful for the blind, because they are the only people who can’t see how truly ugly you are. On the flip side, they can tell you’re a total idiot.

Gemini 5/21-6/21You should be thankful for stone-cold b****** like Ann Coulter, who make women with attitudes like yours look like Mother Theresa.

Cancer 7/22-7/22You should be thankful for masturbation, the only sex you will ever have with someone you love.

Leo 7/23-8/22You should be thankful for Thanksgiving, the only day of the year when you don’t need an excuse for binging and then spending half the night in the bathroom.

Virgo 8/23-9/22You should be thankful for Viagra. Now, you don’t have to limp through life.

Libra 9/23-10/22You should be thankful for breast implants-without them, you would one day have to tuck your fun bags into your tube socks.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21You should be thankful for football injuries. Without them, you may have never been able to rejoice in the U’s defeat of BYU last weekend.

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21You should be thankful for those tiny latex finger covers, aka “finger condoms”-the only product that can provide you comfort and protection in this anti-small-penis society of ours.

Capricorn 12/22-1/19You should be thankful for your pubic lice-at least they’ll keep you company during this holiday season.

Aquarius 1/20-2/18You should be thankful for ass pillows, Anusol and Preparation H: the only sources of comfort for your hemorrhoids.

Pisces 2/19-3/20You should be thankful for Madame Ezmee, an honest friend who isn’t afraid to strip for money, kick puppies and tell you that, indeed, you have male pattern baldness.