Aries 3/21 – 4/19
Ezmee thought she was not going to be able to bear another Thanksgiving with the family. But something dawned on me: Thanksgiving isn’t that bad. You just need an open heart and a fifth of vodka. Then the night will go from “dinner with the family you never loved” to “dinner with the family who watched you vomit on your grandmother’s knitting basket.”
Taurus 4/20 – 5/20
It snowed. You know what that means, right? It’s time to find creative ways to keep warm. I’m thinking grilled sardines, freshly copied bank statements and some albino squirrels in the Gh-Gl section of the Marriott Library. Dewey decimals, anyone?
Gemini 5/21 – 6/21
Ezmee used to think she knew how to party…before Saturday. You haven’t really lived until you can say that you’ve been blinded by a strobe light, drunk, deleted numbers from your cell phone, argued about the Red Sox, danced your ass off to disco and had a bona fide slumber party all in the same night.
Cancer 6/22 – 7/22
Cancer, the way I see it, life isn’t rated on a scale of one to 10 anymore. Things are either danceable or they aren’t. So you’ve gotta’ ask yourself one thing: Are you danceable?
Leo 7/23 – 8/22
Hey, Leo, you’re so fine, you’re so fine you blow my mind! Hey Leo (clap clap, pause, clap) Hey Leo!
Virgo 8/23 – 9/22
Ezmee spent a portion of Sunday night locked in a 7-Eleven bathroom with one of her friends. We spent our time fashioning spears from the mechanical innards of the tampon- and soap- dispensing machines, and we draped ourselves in shrouds of toilet paper and shiny pieces of mirror.
Never underestimate the power of a strong imagination…and drugs.
Libra 9/23 – 10/22
Libra, you remind me of Judas. Not so much in the sense that you’ll do anything for money, ’cause we already knew you were a cheap whore, but more in the way that you’re a backstabber, and people hate you.
Scorpio 10/23 – 11/21
This week, take a moment to appreciate the beauty on this campus…. Yes, 10 minutes in a bathroom with the “On Campus @ Utah” calendar counts.
Sagittarius 11/22 – 12/21
Tonight, you can bet your ass that I’ll be at the Skid Row & Quiet Riot concert in the Union Ballroom. I don’t think you’re ever too old to try to live out your dream of contracting an STD from a has-been rock star…ever.
Capricorn 12/22 – 1/19
As I gazed into my crystal ball Thursday, I felt sorry for you, Capricorn. Thanksgiving alone can be hard. Perhaps, had you not driven girls away by the microscopic size of your junk, you could have been invited to a dinner where they would have put you in charge of the baster. Jealous…of it’s girth?
Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18
You know how Ezmee said she deleted a phone number on Saturday? Well it was yours. That’s right Aquarius. You gonna miss this? I think we both know you’re never going to find hot stinky gypsy loving quite like this. Booyah.
Pisces 2/19 – 3/20
All you Pisces across the globe, take a moment to recognize one of the bravest men among your ranks. It takes balls, Patrick Muir, balls, honesty and 20/20 vision to publicly defend the fact that ugly girls have infected BYU, leaving a path of destruction and sexually repulsed men in their wake.