The dog ate my Ezmee: Madame dispenses astrologics and abuse

By By Madame Ezmee

By Madame Ezmee

Aries 3/21 – 4/19

So you think Ezmee is offensive, eh? Well, that’s OK because Ezmee tells it how it is…even if that means revealing to the U that you prefer to spend your nights watching tapes from the 1988 Andre the Giant vs. Hulk Hogan WWF title match while you wear yellow spandex and eat raw eggs. There, I said it. You wannabe Hulk Hogan. Loser.

Taurus 4/20 – 5/20

For the 12th day of Christmas, Taurus gave to Ezmee: Twelve drinks for numbing, 11 monkeys typing, 10 Toms a-peepin’, nine Calendars prancing, eight dills a dilfing, seven swimmers swimming, six Chi-Os praying, FIVE NAUGHTY THINGS, four frat jerks, three loose men, two latex gloves and an editor in chief named Steve Gehrke!

Gemini 5/21 – 6/21

Gemini likes to tease Ezmee about a lot of things: Her hair, 84 percent of the things she says and even the way she walks-but Gemini, you spoon with a pillow when you sleep. Go make fun of that, pillow spooner!

Cancer 6/22 – 7/22

Finals Week is around the corner, so I have some advice for you: Turn off the TV when you study, sharpen your #2 pencil and pay me a grand if you want your teacher to be kidnapped and tortured-which is to say, I will lure your teacher into the back of a minivan, where I will rub olive oil all over said teacher’s skin and make him or her “BAACH!” like a chicken. What? Like you wouldn’t enjoy seeing that.

Leo 7/23 – 8/22

At times, Ezmee tends to be a bit of a kleptomaniac. I tell you this, Leo, because I am coming for your hookah… And your soul. Sucker!

Virgo 8/23 – 9/22

This week, Orion’s Belt and Uranus will align, leaving you in a juvenile giggle fit. You like poop jokes, too, huh?

Libra 9/23 – 10/22

Yeah, you’re short, you wear furry girl boots (even though you’re a dude), and you strategically stuffed your black dancing tights with zucchinis, but I’m sure there are people out there who appreciate you as a person….Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

Scorpio 10/23 – 11/21

In the movie/crappy Broadway-remake “Rent,” they sing “525,600 minutes-how do you measure, measure a year?” In the show, they measure a year in love, but with all the drugs, cross-dressing and dying that was going on, I think, perhaps, their year, like yours, would have been better measured in blood-alcohol levels.

Sagittarius 11/22 – 12/21

Ezmee would be stoked about the newly available UCard deposits online if it weren’t for the fact that the UCard is not accepted at any of the following: Blue Boutique, liquor stores, Zims, liquor stores, taco vendors, Gucci, Lagoon or liquor stores.

Capricorn 12/22 – 1/19

Capricorn…more like CRAPricorn. Boo. Hiss.

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

Ezmee went to an awesome party this weekend. How did you know this party is awesome, you ask? Well, there was a dude with a mustache glued to his face, gin and tonics and, by the end of the night, some guy named “Crack” passed out in the middle of a hallway on a “puke pillow.”

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

This week marks Opinion Editor RuthAnne Frost’s last week as the president of her sorority. Naturally, this is a good thing, as she will be able to spend less time around a couple of PMS-ridden chicks who live in sweat pants and more time with Ezmee rollin’ down the street smokin’ endo, sippin’ on gin and juice…laid back with our mind on our money and our money on our mind-and not on who borrowed Suzie’s shoes without asking.