“Bloodrayne”

Herold Productions

Directed by Uwe Boll

Screenplay by Guinevere Turner, based on the video game

Starring: Kristanna Loken, Michael Madsen, Matt Davis, Michelle Rodriguez, Meat Loaf and Ben Kingsley

Rated R/94 minutes

Opened Jan. 6, 2006

Zero out of four stars

Why, Ben Kingsley, why?

Oh, wait…sorry, he likes to be called Sir Ben. Let’s try that again…

Why, Sir Ben Kingsley, why?!

Then again, Kingsley’s involvement in “Bloodrayne” just clouds the larger issue: the continued employment of categorically untalented director Uwe Boll.

Will people please stop letting this half-wit make movies? Just don’t give him money!

Apparently, this “movie” is based on a video game. This comes as no surprise: The story plays like a bad video game, and the dialogue induces cringing. Here’s a word-for-word statement from Kingsley’s character, Fagan, who is some kind of vampire king?or something: “You must find her. She poses a threat to my plans. Send your best spies after her.”

Could it possibly be any more generic?

Anyway, the “she” in question is Bloodrayne (Kristanna Loken), a rare breed-half-vampire, half-human-who is prophesied to kill all the baddies and save the world.

Or something.

It’s quite confusing because Boll has no idea how to tell a story, or how to set a scene, or how to give anything context or how to direct actors. Basically, he doesn’t know how to direct a movie. Go figure.

This is one of those movies about which, as much as I rack my brain, I can’t think of a single good thing to say. Everything about it is bad. Really bad.

I’ve never played the video game, but I couldn’t possibly imagine it being any worse than the movie version. But one thing’s for sure-this flick won’t have any novices clamoring to run to the store and check out the game. This whole project was probably a bad idea.

On the other hand, check out “Bloodrayne” if you wanted to see a half-drunk, just-got-out-of-bed Michael Madsen stumble around on a horse.

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