USC wins second straight NCAA title
Yes, it’s true, a simple Google search of ‘USC wins national title’ will yield results for swimming, water polo, football, you name it. USC is the gold standard these days, and it proved that point, at least on the gridiron, in January as the Trojans obliterated the Oklahoma Sooners in the national championship game, 55-19 behind Heisman Trophy winner Matt Leinart’s five total touchdowns. Leinart, who in all probability would have been the No. 1 overall pick in April’s draft, decided to stay for his senior year.
Patriots win second straight Super Bowl
Meanwhile, Pete Carroll’s former team has similar success, becoming only the second team to win three Super Bowls in four years, the Dallas Cowboys (1992-1995) being the first. Despite a gutsy performance from Eagle wide receiver Terrell Owens, the Patriot nucleus of Tom Brady, Deion Branch and Bill Belichick are too much for the Philadelphia Eagles, as the Pats prevail, 24-21.
The steroid debacle
Amid author Jose Canseco’s earth-shattering accusations in his debut book, Juiced, a group of MLB ballplayers appear before a U.S. Congressional panel for a hearing over steroid use in the major leagues. While Mark McGwire stubbornly refuses to “talk about the past,” Sammy Sosa and Rafael Palmeiro outwardly refute such accusations. Palmeiro even goes so far as to dramatically point at no one in particular while pleading his innocence. This was a foreboding sign of things to come…
Tar Heels top Illinois for NCAA title
Another March Madness to remember yields North Carolina’s first national title since the infamous “timeout” game, and the first title of Roy Williams’ career. The Tar Heels beat No. 1 Illinois 75-70, behind the MVP performance of Sean May. However, the Heels lose almost their entire championship team, as their starting lineup declares for the NBA Draft.
T.O. loses his mind
In the course of just a couple of months, Terrell Owens fires his agent, hires Drew Rosenhaus, announces he is demanding a lucrative new contract, denies he is demanding a lucrative new contract, once again admits he is demanding a lucrative new contract, announces he will hold out from training camp until he gets said contract, comes to camp anyway, fabricates a story about an insurance waiver he supposedly signed before the Super Bowl, which turns out not to be true, throws his Pro Bowl quarterback under a bus, cries on television while claiming he can’t feed his family on $9 million a year, appears on TV wearing a T-shirt with a picture of his mother on it, gets kicked out of training camp, does push-ups on his driveway, gives Donovan McNabb and Andy Reid the silent treatment, gets tentatively suspended by the team for one game, gets suspended by the team for the entire season, hires Jesse Jackson, does not get new contract. Bravo.
NHL lockout ends
Just a few months after overzealous sports writers cruelly teased NHL fans with erroneous reports that the NHL lockout had been resolved and that there would be a shortened 2004-05 season, the lockout officially does end, much to the delight of eight of us. After ESPN cuts the NHL from its programming schedule, a pretend TV channel called “The Outdoor Life Network” picks up the tab and begins showing games.
Palmeiro tests positive
Just days after becoming only the fourth player ever to hit 500 home runs and 3,000 hits, Palmeiro loses all credibility when he tests positive for steroids, just months after the finger-pointing charade. He tries to blame Miguel Tejada but to no avail. He rarely plays for the rest of the season and is still unsigned.
Lance wins seventh
Tour de France
Despite persistent steroid reports, Lance Armstrong keeps his little chin up and wins his seventh Tour de France in a row. And then he retires.
And then he and Sheryl Crow go at it under the sheets again. Is she still hot? I’m unsure.
Spurs beat Pistons in six
The San Antonio Spurs secure their place as a modern-day dynasty, and Tim Duncan secures his place as the greatest power forward of all-time, as the Spurs win the NBA Finals in six games over the Detroit Pistons, who fall short in their bid for their second title in a row.
Larry Brown takes
Manhattan
To absolutely no one’s surprise, ber-coach Larry Brown leaves the Pistons-or gets fired, depending on whom you ask-to take the Knicks’ head-coaching job.
Unfortunately, it appears he neglected to look at the Knicks roster before signing on the dotted line.
We hear he’s very irritable these days.
White Sox win the World Series
The second sign of the Apocalypse. Just one year after the Red Sox won their first World Series since 1918, the ChiSox win their first since 1917, thanks to a perfectly managed playoff run by Ozzie Guillen and a pitching staff that was nearly impossible to beat. Cubs next year?
Johnny Damon ruins Christmas
You poophead.