The University of Utah's Independent Student Voice

The Daily Utah Chronicle

The University of Utah's Independent Student Voice

The Daily Utah Chronicle

The University of Utah's Independent Student Voice

The Daily Utah Chronicle

Write for Us
Want your voice to be heard? Submit a letter to the editor, send us an op-ed pitch or check out our open positions for the chance to be published by the Daily Utah Chronicle.
Print Issues

All’s Ezmee that ends Ezmee

By Madame Ezmee

Aries 3/21 – 4/19? Didja think Ezmee was gone? Didja? My prediction for your semester: humorous surprises brought to you weekly la me. (Note: Weekly surprises will entail goats and will be funnier than this entry.)

Taurus 4/20 – 5/20? During the break, Ezmee was a roadie for Manheim Steamroller, which should be an example to you, Taurus. Your dreams can come true, even if they involve wearing white clogs and synthesizing the hell out of every Christmas carol ever invented.

Gemini 5/21 – 6/21??This semester, you and I are going to play a game, Gemini. It’s called, “Make Your Own Horoscope.” Just fill in the blanks! Your ___ ___ will improve when your ___ tries to ___ your ___ in a ___. (Note: Final blank ought to be filled with the word “teepee”). ??

Cancer 6/22 – 7/22?Your semester in a pro vs. con list.Pro: exciting new classes.Con: That kid who plays Summer’s boyfriend in Napoleon Dynamite is in each of those classes. It’s just sooo hard to concentrate. Gosh!

Leo 7/23 – 8/22?As the moon reaches its equinox toward the end of this month, not only will your grades improve, your beauty will, too?but that’s because the people looking at you will be either visually impaired or drunk.

??Virgo 8/23 – 9/22? Hey Virgo, I have a question for you. Doncha wish your gypsy was hot like me? Doncha wish your gypsy was a freak like me? Don-cha? Don-cha, baby, don-cha?

??Libra 9/23 – 10/22? This week, don’t let a lack of money stress you out. Utilize your biological assets. Why, just last week, Ezmee harvested her eggs and sold them on eBay. I used my egg money to buy my Biology 1010 book. In the words of Alanis Morissette: “Isn’t it ironic? dontcha think?”

??Scorpio 10/23 – 11/21?Did you make any New Year’s resolutions? By the looks of it, I would recommend you resolve to watch less TLC. That obsession you have with makeover shows, well, it’s getting a little sad.

??Sagittarius 11/22 – 12/21?I’ve been meaning to be honest with you about something: It’s not about who you are; it’s about how you look. ??

Capricorn 12/22 – 1/19?Tomorrow, you’re going to miss the blue shuttle, at which point the strap on your bag will break, causing its contents to spill all over the sidewalk. Upon trying to retrieve your belongings, you will stumble across a?to be continued.

?Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18? Love life looking a little drab? There are two places near campus at which you are assured to find easy access to a willing second half: any Institute marriage prep class, or any fraternity farewell party.

??Pisces 2/19 – 3/20?News flash: You will find love on Arbor Day. That is all. You can stop reading now.

Leave a Comment

Comments (0)

We welcome feedback and dialogue from our community. However, when necessary, The Daily Utah Chronicle reserves the right to remove user comments. Posts may be removed for any of the following reasons: • Comments on a post that do not relate to the subject matter of the story • The use of obscene, threatening, defamatory, or harassing language • Comments advocating illegal activity • Posts violating copyrights or trademarks • Advertisement or promotion of commercial products, services, entities, or individuals • Duplicative comments by the same user. In the case of identical comments only the first submission will be posted. Users who habitually post comments or content that must be removed can be blocked from the comment section.
All The Daily Utah Chronicle Picks Reader Picks Sort: Newest

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *