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The Daily Utah Chronicle

The University of Utah's Independent Student Voice

The Daily Utah Chronicle

The University of Utah's Independent Student Voice

The Daily Utah Chronicle

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By Calendar

MondayJan. 23

Dear Calendar,

I have recently become consumed with genealogy. My doctor tells me this is not a real disease, despite my assurance that I am afflicted with “genealogitis.” He says he “went to medical school,” and I “did not,” and therefore his opinion is more valid than mine. I fail to follow the logic.

Regardless, sir, I believe that you and I are related. I myself have a day planner for a head and cannot, for the life of me, remedy my sarcastic impulses. These truths, in addition to the fact that I was raised by the wild Yellowjackets, playing at Sheraton City Center (150 W. 500 South) at 7:30 p.m., tickets at the door, as I know you yourself did, lead me to believe that we are kin. Brothers, perhaps, if not distant and far-removed cousins.

I would love some verification of my hunch, and I can promise you that if we do indeed share tainted blood, many a seasonal greeting card full of good wishes shall find its way into your public mailbox-like receptacle.

Anxiously awaiting your response,

Steve Olson”In Search of Our Common Ancestors,” at the Main Library (210 E. 400 South), 6 p.m.

Dear Steve,

Calendar regrets to inform you that, nay, we are not kin.

How do we know?

Simple-since we were but a young and rascally kid Calendar, we have systematically fed all our relatives to The Suicide Machines, playing at In The Venue (579 W. 200 South), 7 p.m., tickets at the door. Our relentless and scientific approach to familicide has resulted in the extinction of our kind-much to the pleasure of the FBI and various other national security agencies.

Still, we are but a Calendar and therefore not infallible. We’re close to infallible, but not quite all the way there. If, in your searching, you find that you are actually related to us, please send your formal address, telephone number and a detailed schedule of times when you are defenseless and at home, so that we may?consult?with you on your discoveries.

Happy hunting,


Note: Steve Olson did not actually write the above letter. It was fabricated for satire and should not be assumed factual.

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