Calendar

By By Calendar

By Calendar

Monday

Jan. 31

Dear Calendar-with-the-golden-hair,

As I was reading The Chronicle last week-an amazing occurrence, given that I cannot read, though my phallus peruses “Barely Legal” for the articles-I was shocked deep down to my testosterone core with the gyno-sympathetic tone of your writing. I always figured you were some breed of superman-a Calendar of true endowment, in all senses of the term; the type that would never, ever, ever participate in a Food Lore Workshop, at the Community Writing Center (210 E. 400 South), from 6-8 p.m., because real men leave the kitchen work to the kitchen gender.

Oh, but Calendar, imagine how disappointed I was to see your feminine side! To entertain the notion that your hands are not rough and tumble, but Crate & Barrel! To think that my male role model might potentially have not man-boobs, but real boobs! As my penis read to me your feminist tirades, I felt my prostate shrink markedly. I would say “you know how that feels,” but alas, I no longer believe you do.

If you have any balls, sir-other than the bouncing variety you undoubtedly use to play Jacks with your dolls-you will man up and prove my considerations phallacious?er, fallacious.

Sincerely,

Boy, at Salt Lake Acting Company Upstairs Theatre (168 W. 500 North), at 7:30 p.m. Student tickets are $13. Performances continue through Feb. 26. Call (801) 363-7522 for more information.

Dear Boy,

Calendar will not humor such engendered talk. We will neither divulge our sex (unless your mom asks us to-we can’t resist that old bag, who, you ought to know, swings eight ways to next Wednesday like a rotating door). We will say this much: What has four nipples, defining bulges and curves that could throw a Formula One racecar driver? Calendar, of course, you ninny.

Please, Boy, do us all a favor and shove that high-and-mighty stick you deify right up that dark hole where you found your head this morning. Once buried deep, please proceed to blow it out yo’ ass. Who knows, maybe you’ll catch the ear of the U Wind

Ensemble Pops Concert, at Libby Gardner Hall (on Presidents’ Circle), 7:30 p.m. Tickets may be purchased through the Kingsbury Hall Ticket Office at (801) 581-7100 or at the Gardner Hall ticket office one hour prior to the concert.

Please refrain from d***ing around with our valuable time in the future. If we want conversation with an insecure archetype, we’ll call Jerry Falwell.

With intimidating girth,

Cal “The Life Force” Endar