The lifeless corpse of Calendar-the enigmatic A&E events listing beloved by those who don’t matter and reviled by those who do-was discovered this morning outside The Daily Utah Chronicle offices.
Calendar’s death has been determined to be the result of foul play, though authorities will offer neither a definitive cause of death nor a list of suspects in the case.
However, one source wishing to remain anonymous said: “Calendar’s murder was premeditated and well orchestrated. The details of the crime scene were an investigative reporter’s dream. It was a murder made for the headlines.”
Another coerced/terrified/anonymous source told the A&E section, “I cannot say whether or not the subversive newspaper entity known as the SSPJ” (the Secret Society of Powerful Journalists) “had a hand in this crime-because such a statement would be fatally libelous-but I can say that there were visible ink stains peppering the deceased’s body, and the SSPJ has been known to bludgeon its victims to death with archaic, stiff, fossilized newspaper ideologies. I’m no mathematician, but 2 + 2 = Calendar’s dead.”
The death comes as little surprise to those close to Calendar, many of whom noticed in recent weeks a mounting sense of futility, decay and defeat in the embattled events listing.
“Underappreciated and misunderstood-much like a young and drunk Jackson Pollock-Calendar just lost the will to fight,” one inconsolable reader noted.
Sources close to the deceased said that after months of vitriolic criticism, Calendar seemed like “a ghost of a shadow of a trace of a faint glimmer of the Calendar we once loved so much. Whether Calendar died this morning or several weeks ago is a point up for debate-a zombie walks the earth, but is no longer human, you know what I mean?”
Calendar leaves behind innumerable illegitimate offspring, a casino in Reno, a Swiss bank account and legions of coolly indifferent fans, all of whom will mourn Calendar’s passing (potentially in the form of letters to the editor)?if the hipsters ever get around to admitting they actually care about anything other than their Seven jeans.
Amen.