Aquarius 1/20-2/18
As Venus aligns with Saturn this week, you will fall into a harmonious rhythm with your loved ones and, finally, your laundry. And it’s about time-people were starting to notice.
Pisces 2/19-3/20
Your element is water, Pisces, and the gods did this for a reason. Like a fish, you have the ability to slip out of dangerous situations. But you’re also covered in hard, impenetrable scales. Learn to soften your scales, Pisces, and your relationships will blossom. Like?sea anemones.
Aries 3/21-4-19
You were born under the northwestern shadow of Mercury, Aries. As your life experience has undoubtedly taught you, this is both a blessing and a curse. A blessing?and a curse.
Don’t go to the bathroom today.
Taurus 4/20-5/20
The position of Mars in relation to the equatorial plane this week promises to bring out your angry side, Taurus. Learn to control your temper and not let the little things get to you-no matter how itchy and parasitic those damned lice are.
Gemini 5/21-6/21
Be wise with your finances, Gemini. You’re not going to stumble into a large sum of money any time soon. Oh no, wait, you are. My bad.
I see a plasma TV in your credit card’s near future.
Cancer 6/22-7/22
You will see the number “6” three times today, Cancer. Reason will tell you that it’s because you wrote the date three times today, and we live in the mystical year of 2006, but truth will tell you that it’s because your soul is Lucifer’s.
Shave your head.
Leo 7/23-8/22
Your love life was barren for a while, Leo-and I mean B-A-R-R-E-N-but things are going to start looking up soon. Your gluteus maximus exercises are really paying off, as is your more rigorous wiping routine.
Kudos.
Virgo 8/23-9/22
A particularly violent solar flare this week means that your altruistic side will once again come into power. As much as you want to give, give, give, remember to do all things in moderation. Ask yourself this on Saturday: Does your pet hamster really need a parasol? Really?
Libra 9/23-10/22
You are stuck in a routine, Libra. You need to branch out and worry less about trivial matters. Instead of doing your homework this Friday night, go to Toys “R” Us and buy a nice, warm, fuzzy stuffed animal. Then go to Brookstone and buy an automatic vacuum. Teach them to tango.
Scorpio 10/23-11/21
You are the most passionate sign in the zodiac, Scorpio-and everyone knows it. Try harnessing this passion by doing something creative this week, such as coating yourself in peanut butter and raspberry jam and rolling around between your mattress and box spring.
Make sure it’s chunky peanut butter.
Sagittarius 11/22-12/21
You must be careful, Sagittarius, and remember to keep your wits about you in stressful situations. For example, when you’re on the shuttle this week listening to your iPod, talking on your cell phone, making a to-do list in your PDA, typing a paper on your laptop, fixing your hair in the window, filing your nails and trying to watch for your stop, don’t forget to tie your left shoe. It really hurts to fall into one of those bus poles.
Capricorn 12/22-1/19
There are 6.5 billion people in the world, so there are approximately 550 million Capricorns. How am I supposed to be clairvoyant about that many lives? OK, here goes: Good things will happen to you, as will bad things. My advice: Stop wasting your life reading anything but horoscopes!
And try abstaining from using pens for a while. All that ink is tarnishing your aura.