“The Pink Panther”MGM PicturesDirected by Shawn LevyScreenplay by Len Blum and Steve Martin, based on characters created by Blake Edwards and Maurice RichlinStarring: Steve Martin, Kevin Kline, Jean Reno, Emily Mortimer, Henry Czerny, Clive Owen and Beyonc KnowlesRated PG/93 minutesOpened Feb. 10, 2006One out of four stars
So this is what it feels like to defecate on Peter Sellers’ grave. I never knew fecal matter could take the form of a big-budget Hollywood movie.
Here’s what I think happened: When he was younger, Steve Martin really wanted to dress up like Jacques Clouseau for Halloween. And now that he’s all grown up and has lots of Hollywood clout, he has realized his dream in “The Pink Panther,” a prequel/remake directed by Shawn Levy, the man who brought us not one, but two “Cheaper by the Dozen” movies. Indeed.
It’s hard to understand how a studio with a worthless script in hand for a project that was probably doomed from the start could somehow rope in this many talented actors, not just Martin, but Kevin Kline, Emily Mortimer, Jean Reno and Clive Owen (yes, Clive Owen; more on that later). Alas, it was a waste of all their time-and ours.
But on to the plot: After the world-famous “Pink Panther” diamond is stolen and its owner murdered with a poisoned dart, Chief Inspector Dreyfus (Kline, in possibly his most boring performance) puts bumbling Inspector Clouseau on the case, using him as a decoy while a real team of investigators solves the case behind the scenes, while Dreyfus keeps tabs on his patsy with the help of a gendarme played by Jean Reno.
There are more details, such as Xania (Beyonce Knowles), the token hot chick. But why bother?
The film’s success isn’t reliant on the plot. The primary reason for failure-and perhaps the only one that matters-is staring us right in the face the entire time: Jacques Clouseau himself?or, rather, Steve Martin’s poor Clouseau imitation.
The problem is a fundamental one: Martin’s “performance” is limited entirely to mimicking Peter Sellers. He plays a character Sellers created and tries to play it the exact same way-the same mannerisms, the same bad accent, the same everything (only with more obviousness and desperation). The only problem is he’s not Peter Sellers. In fact, I’m not even sure if he’s Steve Martin anymore.
Clouseau is just one of those characters that stands completely alone and belongs to one person and one person only. The Clouseau in the remake is nothing more than a bad imitation, and it just doesn’t work. Or can’t work.
If Martin had taken the character in a new and different direction, that would be one thing. (Although, in that case, what would be the point? Why not an original comedic character? Oui?see, isn’t this frustrating?)
There are other idiosyncratic characters completely reliant on one actor, and which follow the same rule. Johnny Depp’s Jack Sparrow, for example-if someone took over the role and just tried to impersonate Depp’s portrayal, could it possibly work? Of course not. Same goes for Marlon Brando’s Vito Corleone. A dead-on imitation would be pointless and disastrous. (And God knows we’ve already heard enough bad Vito impressions.) Either do something new with the role, or don’t do it at all.
The result, not surprisingly, is 90 minutes of dead and uninspired comedy. Sure, there are a few nice moments here and there?but far too few.
In probably the cleverest scene, an uncredited Clive Owen shows up as “Agent 006” in a funny role satirizing James Bond (for which Owen was once a leading candidate). One thing is made clear: He would have made one hell of a James Bond. Damn you, MGM.
Bond is actually the perfect comparison to this movie. That is a role that can go from one person to the next without any trouble-it’s a role ready to be stepped into. Jacques Clouseau, on the other hand, is exactly the opposite, and Steve Martin has proven that loud and clear.