For heavens’ sake! (Horoscope)

By By Seora Drusilla

By Seora Drusilla

Aquarius 1/20-2/18

Aquarius, darling, prepare for a long, arduous stint as a playa. This year, Neptune and Pluto are in the prefect proximity to each other to make you irresistible to everyone around you. This may sound great now, but I’m telling you, a few weeks down the road, you’re going to want to invest in some of that fart cologne.

Trust me.

Pisces 2/19-3/20

It’s time for you to throw a party, Pisces, and you should invite everyone you know. Your social life has been a bit, well, blas these past few weeks (oh, who am I kidding? Years!), and it’s high time you spiced it up and had some fun. Make it a real gala event, the party of the decade.

How? You ask.

Here’s how: cucumber-dill sandwiches, a Slip ‘N Slide obstacle course, a disco ball and chocolate laxative brownies. No one will ever forget this party.

Aries 3/21-4-19

Saturn’s relation to the equatorial plane this week means that you’ll become especially moody, Aries.

Shhhya.

Like that’ll be a big change.

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Your ruling planet, Taurus, is Venus. As Venus enters the fifth house this week, a particularly icy comet will slam into it, only to be destroyed by Venus’s sulfuric acid atmosphere. Live by this rule, Taurus. It’s in your best interest not to give a damn about and completely obliterate/burn/melt/fry anything (read: any woman) that crosses your path, no matter how icy.

Gemini 5/21-6/21

Oh, Gemini, can you even begin to imagine the riches into which you will soon stumble? No, methinks not. Allow me to elaborate.

If the entire solar system and all its matter were made of solid gold, the wealth you’re about to acquire would look like a single gold atom.

The lesson? You’ll always be rich, but in spirit, where it really matters.

You’ll always be broke.

Cancer 6/22-7/22

Conflict with a coworker or friend is putting excessive stress on your life, Cancer. The heavens are commiserating with you, and they similarly hate that rat bastard who’s doing this to you.

Just say the word, and lightning will come out of the sky to solve your problem.

No questions asked.

Leo 7/23-8/22

Leo, you’re proud, dignified and confident by nature, but Jupiter’s Red Spot is soon going to enter a particularly stormy phase. This means that your confidence will be shattered, and you’ll be left a sweaty, weeping heap on the ground.

My advice: Grab a Snickers.

Virgo 8/23-9/22

Virgo, your symbol is the virgin. That may not be the most apropos of astrological symbols, but you can make it work. Just start bragging about all the things you’ve never done-broken a bone, maybe, or scaled Mount Everest. Eaten an entire turkey in one sitting. If you do this long enough, no one will ever catch on.

Oh, who are we kidding?

Everyone knows.

Libra 9/23-10/22

You are all about maintaining balance, Libra. But Mars, the spoilsport that it is, has its heart set on disrupting the balance you’ve so painstakingly created in your life. So you can do one of two things:

1) Sit back and let Mars destroy your life, or

2) Blow that damned, cursed rock out of the sky!

Scorpio 10/23-11/21

Your ruling planet, Pluto, is not really a planet, Scorpio. It’s just a large rock from the Oort Cloud that scientists decided was a planet because of its predicted location. But it’s really not. So Scorpio is not really a sign, and you are not really a person.

Sorry, but that’s why everyone is allowed to treat you like crap.

Makes sense now, huh?

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

You have a lot of nervous energy, Sagittarius, which means that you have the power to channel it and create something truly amazing. Have you ever thought about inventing edible toilet-seat covers?

Think about it.

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

Capricorn, you really are the greatest sign in the zodiac. Not the kindest, or the smartest, or by far the best looking. But there’s just something about you?is it that smell? Almost like musk.

Did you know that musk is a greasy secretion from a gland in male musk deer?

Yeah, you are sooo the muskiest.