Tales from Tinseltown

By By Ryan Funk

By Ryan Funk

According to police reports, Britney H. Spears (the H. Stands for Hamster) has endangered the life of her child, Sean Preston Federline. According to police and photographic evidence, Spears was seen leaving a Southern California Starbucks with baby on lap. Spears then got onto the highway, where she and her unrestrained tot reached speeds of 45 mph. Spears has apologized for her blatant disregard for safety, citing emotional stress as the culprit behind her misjudgment. Police confirm that Spears is still fat and should in no way don her pink pleather catsuit.

Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen are calling it quits for the 17th time this week. According to sources, Sheen was sleeping with numerous women during reconciliation with Richards. Previously, Sheen has been linked to several hookers, strippers and porn stars. New mother Richards was said to have gotten an AIDS screening and is incredibly worried about her own safety. Sources say that Richards is “shocked” at Sheen’s behavior?over the last 25 years?

Angelina Jolie claims that she would love to adopt another child. According to sources and close friends, Jolie is baby crazy. Jolie has already adopted a boy from Cambodia, whom she named Maddox, and a baby girl from Ethiopia named Zahara. Jolie is currently pregnant with Brad Pitt’s child and plans to name the child Eorngergiop34oih. Cute.

Close friends of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes told several magazines that Katie and Tom are calling off the wedding and planning to split. Several insiders confirm the tragic story, saying, “Katie and Tom want to get out before they end up hating each other.” The prominent Scientologist couple says that custody of the unborn child(ren) will go to their Uncle Ben Kenobi, and if all goes according to plan, TomKat’s baby will restore balance to the force.

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