Aquarius 1/20-2/18
If the Olympics should have taught you anything, Aquarius, it’s that you are weak-physically and emotionally. Just weak. You could blame it on Mars being in the second house right now, but that would just further prove it.
Honestly, you just need to, like, toughen up, or something.
Pisces 2/19-3/20
Pisces, a little bit like your buddy, Aquarius, you need to grow a backbone. That person who’s been hassling you lately? Yeah, it’s time you showed ’em who’s boss.
Just say: “No, I’m not going to rub your feet with white wine vinegar anymore. Just no.”
Aries 3/21-4-19
You need to get back in touch with your feminine side, Aries. Female sexuality is apparently way too hard to figure out, so I suggest just going with the basics: cooking, cleaning, crafts and being altogether submissive and passive. You’ll never have so much respect from everyone around you.
Oh, wait, did I say respect?
Sorry.
Taurus 4/20-5/20
A strong sun means that you, Taurus, will have a wonderful week, complete with entering new and beautiful surroundings, making several new friends, solving a mystery, opening up about how you feel, relaxing and feeling pampered.
You may call that a wonderful week, but most of us just call that rehab.
Gemini 5/21-6/21
As Mercury is hit with a particularly large gust of solar wind, you, Gemini, will have a bad hair day. I’m sorry-it’s an unavoidable consequence. My advice: Condition extra long and use a product with very strong hold. Then run a dryer sheet over your hair to get rid of excess static energy.
Ah, if only you could run a dryer sheet over your life. If only.
Cancer 6/22-7/22
You are on the verge of making an exciting discovery, Cancer! A discovery that will not only make you rich, but which is also guaranteed to make you happy. This one, I promise, will be a lot better than the time you saw that Febreze commercial and realized its potential.
Leo 7/23-8/22
Leo, you are the vainest sign in the zodiac. Other signs look down on you for this irrepressible confidence and, as they see it, narcissism, but in actual fact, they’re just jealous because you really ARE the most attractive sign.
What’s wrong with knowing it?
Virgo 8/23-9/22
Romantically, Virgo, you’re most compatible with Capricorn and Taurus. The only thing is, you’ve already tried relationships with each of those. Has it ever occurred to you that maybe the key to a successful love life isn’t seeing one of those signs on its own? Have you ever thought about, you know, bringing them both to the table?
True happiness awaits you.
Libra 9/23-10/22
Things will start to look up for you this week, Libra, as an investment you made months ago finally starts to pay off. Everyone will start noticing what a valuable asset you are. That means your boss, parents, coworkers, teachers and acquaintances-pretty much everyone but your friends.
Those jealous bastards.
Scorpio 10/23-11/21
As Jupiter ingests several medium-sized chunks of interplanetary debris this week, you will encounter highly stressful situations. But, Scorpio that you are, you will deal with them all smoothly and calmly. If life is a hurricane, Scorpio, you are the eye.
The eye, I tell you!
Sagittarius 11/22-12/21
You are fun-loving and incredibly affable, Sagittarius. That’s why you have so many friends and such bitchin’ weekends. The only drawback? You’re, ah, not the brightest flower in the garden, so to speak. I suggest you enroll in remedial courses and hire a team of tutors.
And tell Scorpio to buy some Visine.
Capricorn 12/22-1/19
Scientists will discover a new comet this week that holds particular sway over your life, Capricorn. They will then tout themselves as almighty rationalists able to probe the deepest recesses of the universe. But the truth is, I knew about that comet all along. They may be able to probe the universe, but I probed it first!
And deeper.