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The University of Utah's Independent Student Voice

The Daily Utah Chronicle

The University of Utah's Independent Student Voice

The Daily Utah Chronicle

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Want your voice to be heard? Submit a letter to the editor, send us an op-ed pitch or check out our open positions for the chance to be published by the Daily Utah Chronicle.
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Tales from Tinseltown

By Ryan Funk

Significant assets

According to statements made by Nick Lachey’s lawyers, the split between him and ex-wife Jessica Simpson has taken a turn from amicable toward “give me your money, b****!”

Reports of Simpson’s alleged infidelity keep surfacing, and Lachey is looking into the allegations. According to sources, Lachey plans to “go after Simpson’s money.” Simpson is worth a reported $12.5 million, based solely on her ability to?um?does having huge breasts count as an ability?

Friends for life?

Friends of Jennifer Anniston are expecting her boyfriend, Vince Vaughn, to pop the question any day now.

According to close friends of the couple, not even Vaughn knows what Anniston’s answer will be. Anniston’s friends are certain that she in love with Vaughn, and is in no way “doing this” (read: him) to get back at Brad Pitt?Seriously, she is soo-o over him! How dare you say that?! If Anniston accepts Vaughn’s offer, then I am sure Pitt will feel soo-o dumb!

Pitt, however, was unavailable for comment, due largely to the fact that he is in France with Hotgelina Liplie and her small developing nation of adopted children. Apparently, between changing the soiled diapers of 25,000 babies, it’s hard to find time to keep the tabloids updated.

Have your people call my people’s people?

Katie Holmes is still sticking by her sham of a relationship with Tom Cruise. Last week, many magazines reported the couples’ split, citing the couple’s friends as sources. This week, close friends are saying that the couple never intended to split. Meanwhile, friends of the couples’ friends have reported that the first set of friends are not friends at all, and that they themselves are Cruise and Holmes’ real friends. A rebuttal is expected from friends group one.

Insert pun involving ‘lei’ here

Child-abuser?er, proud, responsible and wonderful mother?Britney Spears, is reportedly in Hawaii, where she is recovering from shock, embarrassment and outrage, all caused by her husband and ex-backup dancer, Kevin Federline. According to sources, Spears, tired of Federline’s absence, jumped into her Range Rover and drove directly to the L.A. home of Federline’s ex-wife, Shar Jackson. Spears busted in and caught Federline in the home. An angry Spears decided to cool down and is now vacationing in Hawaii.

Hawaii? More like Hawaii did you marry an idiot, Spears?

That is so suite!

Over the last weekend, socialite Paris Hilton threw not one, but two parties for herself, one in Las Vegas and the other in Los Angeles.

Both parties were said to have fallen flat.

Hilton, though reputed to be an infamous party girl, was a little too much for her guests. Partygoers complained of Hilton’s manic behavior and said they drew the line when she asked that all partygoers avert their eyes and refer to her by her nickname, “God.”

Now, that’s h-o-t.

[email protected]

Eryn Green contributed to this column.

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