For Heavens’ Sake (Horoscopes)

By By Seora Drusilla

By Seora Drusilla

Aquarius 1/20-2/18

A weak sun this week means that you, Aquarius, will have a spat with your significant other. It will start over something trivial-such as how you never cut your toenails and they always scratch him or her-but will end with a huge blowout in which you both mercilessly hurl every bit of dirt you have on each other and raise every complaint you’ve ever let slip by.

Since there’s really no way to avoid the tussle, my advice is this: Sharpen those toenails.

Pisces 2/19-3/20

Your color is red this week, Pisces. Not because your cheeks will be ruddy (which they will), not because you’ll eat a lot of beef (which you will) and not because you’ll prick your finger on a spindle (which, somehow, you also will). Your color is red this week because you will go partially insane and think that the only way to protect yourself from aliens is to dye your entire body a brilliant vermilion.

All that dye will make your pee red, too.

Aries 3/21-4-19

All your wonderful karma is going to come back to you this week, Aries. No good deed goes unrewarded, and you’ve done so many that your life this week will be like walking on a cloud. A big, white, fluffy cloud that smells like ether.

Maybe it’s not quite good deeds that are being rewarded.

Meh, you’ll be happy, and that’s all that matters!

Taurus 4/20-5/20

I’m sorry to be the bringer of bad news, Taurus, but you’ll learn this week that the pet gerbil of your youth, which your parents told you they took to a nice gerbil farm, was actually served to you as meatloaf. This tragedy will upset you deeply, but at least you’ll learn to never eat your mom’s cooking again (and I don’t know how you hadn’t learned that lesson already).

Jeez-I can’t believe you ate your own gerbil.

Gemini 5/21-6/21

You’re going to have a religious reawakening this week, Gemini. I don’t know what’s going to instigate it or exactly what faith it will be, but I do know that you’re going to become one of those weirdos on TRAX who approaches strangers and tries to convert them.

I know I can’t change your mind, but, for your own safety, I suggest you wear some body armor underneath your cape.

Cancer 6/22-7/22

You’re going to have friend problems this week, Cancer, for reasons that are beyond your control. Your cell phone will die, vengefully taking with it all your friends’ numbers. They’ll think you abandoned them or are ignoring them or are just an a**hole and will unanimously sever all ties to you. That’s the bad news.

The good news? When you finally get a new phone, you won’t have to worry about putting any numbers into it.

Now, isn’t that a relief?

Leo 7/23-8/22

Your familially two-faced behavior will catch up to you this week, Leo, as every member of your immediate family will sit down and tell one another all the crap you’ve said behind everyone’s back.

Oh, don’t look so scared. You knew it was inevitable all along. You’re not stupid enough to pull this and honestly believe it’ll never come out.

Or are you?

Virgo 8/23-9/22

After all the stress you dealt with last week, Virgo, this week will serve as a welcome respite. You’ll have little-to-no homework, little-to-no chores and a few days of easy, stress-free work at the ol’ job. I suggest you use this break to sleep in, go for lovely walks in the park and spoil yourself with some gourmet cuisine.

You might want to try gerbil meat-I hear it’s quite moist.

Libra 9/23-10/22

Your efforts to make everything right didn’t go as well as you’d thought, Libra. But don’t worry; a particularly dark pair of sunspots will restore balance to your life.

Oh, Libra, when will you learn that balance is relative?

Relative!

Scorpio 10/23-11/21

Quite fortunately for you, Scorpio, the U will send you a check for several hundred dollars this week. It seems those imbecile computers miscalculated your tuition bill and overcharged you dramatically.

Will you celebrate by going out to a fancy dinner? Will you buy yourself an extravagant new iPod? Will you go on a shopping spree at the mall?

No, you’ll probably put that money right into your savings account, since you already spent it, anyway.

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

A friend you haven’t seen since childhood will contact you this week via Facebook. You’ll hang out, catch up, vow to keep in contact, etc. But then you’ll go home and realize that there was a reason you and that friend stopped being friends when you were little.

That friend sucks.

He/she is a real loser.

Quick-get off Facebook. It’s your only chance of continuing to avoid this pathetic lunkhead.

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

Ah, Capricorn. I know exactly what the future holds for you. A pink walrus, a dead snail and a black-bottom banana cream pie.

Care to elaborate?, you ask.

Oh, Capricorn, when will you learn?

I hate you.

You’re a waste of a constellation.