Aquarius 1/20-2/18
The stars are on your side this week, Aquarius. Not only will you mend things with that friend you really care about, but you’ll also end things with that friend you really don’t care about. That latter friend is like a sponge, huh? Just sucking all the life out of you. Well, you’ll soon be free, and all that excess life you’ll have saved will most certainly make you happy!
(For once.)
Pisces 2/19-3/20
Your love life has been a bit stale, Pisces, probably because you never do anything cool (Read: you’re not cool), but things are going to start looking up this week. While studying at the library (Read: being a loser), you’ll stumble into someone who shares all your interests (Read: is equally bland and almost as uncool) and you’ll embark on a wonderful relationship together (Read: be super-lame together).
The best part? The incredibly fascinating conversations you’ll share (Read: oh, who cares?).
Aries 3/21-4-19
Aries, Aries, Aries-your mischievous behavior is finally going to catch up to you this week. Parents, professors, managers, the dean of students, police officers?pretty much every authority figure in your life is going to show up at your place of residence, looking to “talk” with you about a few issues.
My advice: Rent the first two “Home Alone” movies (screw that crappy third one), take notes and rig your place like you’re McCauley Culkin and all those spoilsports are evil robbers.
They are evil, really.
Taurus 4/20-5/20
In the Middle Ages, it was believed that bathing more than twice a year was a little excessive. Let’s just say, Taurus, that you make those guys look (and smell) like a smooth linoleum floor that Mr. Clean just had his way with.
Seriously-can you ever take the hint?
Gemini 5/21-6/21
A comet richly loaded with methane ice will swing by the earth this week, missing us by a mere few thousand miles. This close call won’t be publicized (as NASA wants control of the skies), but its effect will be felt through your behavior, Gemini. As the comet approaches, you will become antsy, irritable and rather cantankerous. After it passes, though, you’ll morph into a cheerful, loving exemplar of jolliness.
Oh yes-because of the comet’s methane, you’ll also let out quite a few?ah?bursts of good humor. Yes.
Cancer 6/22-7/22
You’re ruled by the moon, Cancer, which means that, as the moon waxes from a crescent to a gibbous this week, you’ll put on quite a bit of weight. I know this is no surprise for you, since you’re constantly gaining and losing weight with the lunar cycle, but I just thought you should know that, as you get older, the fluctuations are going to get more extreme. Prepare to gain more than 300 pounds this week.
And invest in a new, plus-plus-plus-sized wardrobe.
Leo 7/23-8/22
By nature, Leo, you live for attention and demand it from everyone around you. Most often, your pride prevents you from doing anything too degrading to get it, but you’ll get so desperate this week that you’ll stoop to incredibly new lows. Streaking? Cross-dressing? Drunken karaoke? All too easy.
Go buy a Costco-sized jug of shampoo, because the vat you’ll be jumping into this week is not going to be filled with anything pretty.
Virgo 8/23-9/22
You need to be careful on the road this week, Virgo. The heavens are in a precarious balance, and the slightest gust of change could push a fully loaded semi-truck right into you.
How do you avoid it?, you ask.
I already told you, doofus: Be careful.
Libra 9/23-10/22
Jupiter’s Red Spot will be traveling at especially high speeds this week, Libra. This means that you’ll be tempted to hurry along with it but, because of your undying obsession with balance, will actually be forced to slow down to preserve the universe’s speed equilibrium.
Prepare to move-and think-like a stegosaurus.
Just pretend you’re Oprah.
Scorpio 10/23-11/21
Daylight-saving time really messed you up, Scorpio. You’re like a carefully wound clock, and a schedule alteration as small as one hour leaves you a cluttered heap of creaking parts.
It’s actually quite tragic.
Fortunately for you, though, Pisces and his/her new flame (Read: more like splash of icy water) have no greater joy in life than reassembling broken clocks together.
Yippee!
No, Scorpio, I’m sorry it had to be you.
Sagittarius 11/22-12/21
You were terribly ill last week, Sagittarius, but, thanks to a cleansing meteor shower, you’re going to start feeling a lot better very soon. The result? A wonderful week for you, complete with all the homework you weaseled your way out of last week.
Isn’t it great to be well again?
Capricorn 12/22-1/19
You’re going to do your spring-cleaning this week, Capricorn. Prepare to say goodbye to everything dingy, musty or otherwise repugnant in your life.
That stinky mothball-infested sweater? So long. Those moldy galoshes? Bye, bye. That positively rank pair of socks? Adios.
Oh, Capricorn, if only your personality were something you could get rid of.
If only.