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The Daily Utah Chronicle

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The Daily Utah Chronicle

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For Heavens’ Sake: Horoscopes

By Seora Drusilla

Aquarius 1/20-2/18

An old flame is going to come back into your life this week, Aquarius, looking for one thing and one thing only.

No, you pervert, not that.

That piece of priceless heirloom jewelry that got lost in your car that one time. When you were driving. In windy weather. And the window was down.

Jeez, Aquarius, you need to get your mind out of the gutter.

Pisces 2/19-3/20

I’m sorry, Pisces, but you’re going to realize this week that those friends you made a few months ago are nothing but a bunch of jerks looking to exploit your intellectual prowess for homework help. But before you cast them all aside like the empty soda cans they are, I suggest you have a little fun of your own. Finals Week is coming?you’re smart enough to take it from there.

Aries 3/21-4-19

You will be burdened by a terrible workload this week, Aries, and there is no respectable way out of it. But instead of caving under the pressure, as you will be tempted to do, remind yourself to keep your eyes on the prize: finishing the semester with a 1.00 GPA.

You’re so close, Aries. You can do it.

Taurus 4/20-5/20

You will be driven to do something new in the next few days, Taurus, and the course you take will have an effect on the rest of your life.

Try a new vegetable, such as cushcush or lovage, and your fate as a miserly, exceedingly crotchety old spinster will be sealed.

Do something daring, such as skydiving, and you will be destined to die a tragic and grisly death while rock-climbing in the Andes fewer than five years from now.

So it all comes down to the way you want to live, Taurus. It’s up to you.

Gemini 5/21-6/21

Your bizarre sense of humor is starting to drive everyone away from you, Gemini. As is your annoying habit of repeating everything you say-or write-at least three times. My advice?

Shut up.

Shut up.

Shut up, already.

You’re not THAT funny.

Cancer 6/22-7/22

Did you know, Cancer, that the earth travels about a million miles a day? That’s why you always feel a little carsick. And look a little green.

But I guess that verdant tinge could be for an entirely other reason.


Leo 7/23-8/22

A volcano on Io will erupt this week, spewing yellow and red lava all over the tiny moon’s surface. A similar event will happen to you, Leo, as a colossal zit will explode and plaster your face in pus and blood.

But the main event will be when your bottled-up rage bursts out in the form of an incredibly violent screaming and wall-punching rampage.

Unfortunately, you’re not Wolverine from “X-Men,” and the week’s excitement will end with at least one cast on your body.

Probably three.

Virgo 8/23-9/22

You have been in synch with the planets lately, Virgo, and the fates have been smiling on you. Thanks to their influence, every paper you get back this week will have a big, golden A on it; every interaction with a stranger will leave you with a new friend and every time you show up at work will result in your getting a raise.

I know I’m clairvoyant and everything, but do you mind my asking?how exactly do you get “in synch” with the planets?

Libra 9/23-10/22

A work of creative genius will be borne from your loins this week, Libra. It may or may not earn you an A, but what does that snooty professor know, anyway? It will give you a sense of accomplishment and self-satisfaction that will rival even Gemini’s.

Pretty crazy, huh?

Scorpio 10/23-11/21

The day you were born, Scorpio, there was a thunderous, ear-shattering collision between two massive chunks of matter in the Oort Cloud. That may have been many years ago, but the booming crash is still having its effects on you. Yes, I know you know what I’m talking about: You’re going deaf.

Please, for the good of everyone around you, go get a hearing aid.

And stop saying “huh?” in that irritating voice.

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

Because of Mercury’s peripatetic path, you are going to travel to a far away land this week, Sagittarius. Once there, you will encounter a very wise man who will give you a rather life-changing piece of advice:

Whiskers no need cat. Cat need whiskers.

You will come home, pondering this priceless morsel all the while, and start writing theses and dissertations on it.

Then your head will explode.

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

Trouble is coming your way soon, Capricorn. All the fun you’ve been having lately is about to be spoiled. It’s happened. Yes. You know what I mean.

Pisces has figured it out.

I would tell you to be on your guard, but it really wouldn’t do any good.

You’re far too slow-witted to even figure out what Pisces is planning, even when it’s right smack in front of you.

Seriously-you’re in college? Not kindergarten?


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