Tales from Tinseltown

By By Ryan Funk and By Ryan Funk

By Ryan Funk

According to accounts by several friends* of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, the couple** birthed its child? in an entirely silent affair.

According to Scientologist beliefs, talking, noise and distraction should be kept to a bare minimum during the first moments of a baby’s life-it makes them harder to mold into cyborg-like citizens of insanity.

According to reporters and those who have been privileged enough to visit Tom and Katie’s home, Katie was already as silent? as she could be.

Tom offered a comment on the issue, but, sadly, his statement was unintelligible with all that placenta stuffed in his mouth.

*back-stabbing leeches, living off the lifeblood of TomKat

**Tom Cruise and his publicist

?Pillow stuffed up Katie’s shirt

?Brainwashed

New Coldplay single to be titled “Parting the Red Sea”

Award-winning actress Gwyneth Paltrow and husband Chris Martin, front man for the band Coldplay, have given birth to their second child three weeks ago. No, I do not mean they had two babies in one week, doi.

The couple has decided to name the child Moses Martin because a) Gwynteh and Chris are kinda crazy, b) they already named one of their babies “Apple” and c) the kid is bound to rescue an enslaved nation from its Egyptian overlords, creating at least three major religions in the process.

And in an unrelated matter, Chris Martin has bad teeth.

The dilated continent

With a gross and utterly reckless disregard for safety and common sense, Angelina Jolie has decided to birth her ridiculously wealthy fetus in an African jungle. Brad Pitt, her partner in unholy un-matrimony, is said to have mixed feelings on Angie’s decision. According to sources, Angelina and Brad are currently in the African nation of Namibia waiting for the birth. I am thinking it would make more sense for Angie to have her baby in, say, Transylvania?but then again, I’m really not up to date on my uber-swank vampire lore.

Who knows, walking malaria might just be this season’s walking undead.

98 degrees of separation

While promoting his new, uh, divorce at an Atlanta radio station, former somebody Nick Lachey confessed that he is still in love with his ex-wife, and America’s Sweetheart America’s Slutted-Out-Bimbo-Idiot-Face: Jessica Simpson.

In reality, Lachey said that “she is a person who I still love very much,” which is a perfectly unexciting thing to say, which is why Us Weekly magazine has blown it way out of proportion to sell issues.

Note: The following paragraph is true?if by ‘true’ you understand me to mean ‘not true.’

Us Weekly has made bank by reporting that Lachey is so desperate and sad that he has grown a third arm and a fourth eye (bet you didn’t know about the third one, did you? Cultural dope.) and has essentially turned into a big hairy ape. Man, the tabloids are awesome!

So, yeah, uh, HA! Nick got a divorce and is sad and lonely, HA!

Oops, I did it again?and nobody could care less

Britney Spears did tons of stupid s*** this week?too bad I’m totally sick of her.

Eryn Green contributed to this article