“The Black Dahlia”

Directed by Brian De Palma

It’s “Bring Your Kid to the Gruesome Murder Scene Day” as youthful stars Josh Hartnett, Scarlett Johansson and Mia Kirshner look serious (and seriously anachronistic) in this 1940s-period film about the murder of a hot ingnue. (R)

“The Last Kiss”

Directed by Tony Goldwyn

Zach Braff has the huggable, lovesick thing down-he’s perfected it over five years of suiting up in “Scrubs.” He’s just so darn likable.

So will we believe him as a man who cheats on his pregnant girlfriend (“The Real World’s” Jacinda Barrett) with the bubble-licious Rachel Bilson?

Let me get this straight: Braff has now made out with Natalie Portman, Jacinda Barrett and Rachel Bilson? Who said “likeable?” I hate this guy. (R)

“Gridiron Gang”

Directed by Phil Joanou

The Rock goes all-inspirational as a youth-corrections officer who takes those shattered boys and molds them into a football team to be reckoned with.

Can’t you just hear the grunting and growling already? Can’t you just feel the projectile sweating? You’ll be wringing testosterone from your clothes for weeks. (PG-13)

“Everyone’s Hero”

Directed by Christopher Reeve, Dan St. Pierre and Colin Brady

Sure, this was the last project Christopher Reeve worked on before he died, but I’m not going to let any sense of noble, posthumous pity change my impression that this animated movie looks really, really, really stupid.

The plot: A boy and his talking baseball go on a quest for Babe Ruth’s bat (it also talks) and?oh, but why waste valuable printing ink? (G)

“Trust the Man”

Directed by Bart Freundlich

Julianne Moore must trust her man-this is the second film she’s starred in directed by her husband. This one’s about smug New Yorkers whining about their smug problems (“Why do I have to be so rich and affluent?”).

Speaking of director/star relationships, Kate Beckinsale is married to the director who subjected her to the two “Underworld” movies-something that, one day, will be brought up in divorce court, no doubt. (R)

“Heading South”

Directed by Laurent Cantet

Three vacationing ladies at the twilight of their womanhood lust after a Haitian man amidst the crumbling political climate of the times. You could call it “How Stella, Roxanne and Maxine Got Their Grooves Back.” (NR)

“Mongolian Ping Pong”

Directed by Hao Ning

Imagine “The Gods Must Be Crazy,” but with a ping-pong ball instead of a Coke bottle.

I’m waiting for the movie in which a bushman finds a bottle of Vault soda, and instead of thinking it’s from the gods, he instinctively retches. (NR)

MIDNIGHT MADNESS AT THE TOWER! FRIDAY AND SATURDAY!

“Pulp Fiction”

Directed by Quentin Tarantino

Is it just me, or is the Tower Theatre screening the same midnight movies it screened last year? Honestly, there are other classic film prints available that aren’t named “Harold and Maude,” “The Goonies” and “Spinal Tap.”

Nothing personal, “Pulp Fiction.” You’re great, you’re funny, you’re just as fresh as you were 12 years ago, but come on, Tower, dig a little deeper. (R)