If Freddie Mercury rocks me one more time, I’m filing charges

By By Tom Quinn and By Tom Quinn

By Tom Quinn

Some call it game-day music. Others call it jock rock. Most don’t care what you call it as long as they don’t have to put up with it anymore.

As far as tunes are concerned, the sports world has been in a rut for the last 20 years. Innovation has never been more prevalent in the wide world of sports than it is now, but for some reason, the folks in the booths still think Gary Glitter is cool.

It’s about time for someone to take a stand. As Americans, we are guaranteed a certain number of inalienable rights, and I’m pretty sure that one of those is the right to hear good music in public.

So take notes if you must-you wannabe DJs-because there are a few things that the general public is not going to put up with anymore.

SONGS THAT SHOULD NEVER BE PLAYED AGAIN:

1. “Who Let the Dogs Out?” by Baja Men. We don’t know who let the dogs out and we don’t care. If we’re going to play music by no-talent hacks like these, we might as well play the Spice Girls and Hanson, too. Oh, wait. See No. 5.

2. “Enter Sandman” by Metallica. Not only does this overrated metal outfit complain more than any band should, but this song also gets played at the former Cougar Stadium. “BYU-approved” and “ass-kickin'” are hardly synonymous.

3. “We Will Rock You/We Are the Champions” by Queen. That song is almost 20 years old. If they were going to rock us, don’t you think that they would have done it by now? Also, since when does blowing out Northern Arizona make anyone a champion?

4. “Cotton-Eyed Joe” by Rednex. Most folks from outside of Utah have probably never heard of this little number, but it has been a key feature of in-state social gatherings and sporting events for as long as I can remember. I think it’s time to put this song out to pasture for good.

5. “MMMBop” by Hanson. I know it sounds crazy, but some knucklehead actually played this song at a volleyball game last weekend. Apparently someone out there thinks that sports and androgynous corporate stooges complement each other nicely.

SONGS THAT SHOULD BE PLAYED WHEREVER SPORTS ARE FOUND:

1. “Iron Man” by Black Sabbath. This song’s bone-crushing riffs make even the most radical PETA activists want to go out and eat a puppy. Bonus: The band’s satanic name is sure to frighten Bible Belters and Utah County residents alike.

2. “My Adidas” by Run DMC. Back in the ’80s, this song used to whip entire stadiums full of people into a frenzy. Ten bucks says it still can. Also, it’s a slap in the face to Nike, the company that makes most collegiate uniforms.

3. “Voodoo Child: Slight Return” by Jimi Hendrix. This song builds way better than any AC/DC tune, and the guitar solos pack enough of a punch to reanimate the dead. Rumor has it that Penn State has been using this song to keep Joe Paterno alive for years.

4. “Godzilla” by Blue Oyster Cult. This tune has everything: a great riff, futuristic sound effects and a green, scaly harbinger of the apocalypse. What more could anyone possibly want?

5. “Fortunate Son” by CCR. This sublimely subversive song gets people moving despite the fact that it is occasionally used to sell jeans by the morons at Wrangler. Plus, if anti-war sentiments are back in style, this song should be, too.