Guys, hide this column

By By Tony Pizza

By Tony Pizza

Since most women don’t know a thing about football, now would be a good time for any of them to stop reading. Just about the closest a woman has come to speaking intelligently about football was when that cute girl from the local newspaper commercials “acted” like she knew what a 3-4 package was. Was it extremely attractive that she seemed like she knew what she was talking about? Yes. Is that scenario likely? No. Not even our enlightening local newspapers can bring that kind fantasy to fruition.

It’s common knowledge that women typically go to football games to randomly bump into friends they haven’t seen in ages and use their man’s binoculars to look for people they know in the stands. Once a woman finds that person they call them on the phone and take five minutes to explain where they are sitting so they can exchange a wave among the 45,000 screaming fans.

Hopefully that was insulting enough to give us guys a moment of alone time so we can discuss some ways to get the most out of the football season this fall. Here are some tips to maximize the amount of time you can watch football in relative peace.

No. 1: Find the time to plan out all the games you need to see this season. Organization is a must. Write down the dates and times for these games and begin to plan how you are going to watch them (the purpose for this will be explained later). Keep this list hidden with all the Victoria’s Secret catalogs you don’t want your girlfriend, wife or mom to find.

No. 2: Keep in mind the fact that it is essential to keep Saturdays, Sundays and Monday nights as clutter-free as possible. If you’re married or in a relationship, do the dishes, mow the lawn, paint the fence, send flowers on Friday; do whatever it takes to smooth over the fact that Saturdays and Sundays are going to be a little busy this fall. If you don’t have any female distractions, make sure you get your homework done. Nothing will make you feel more guilty than knowing that you skipped reading Paradise Lost so you could watch how the Cowboys lost.

No. 3: If church, combined with your significant other, is keeping you from watching football on Sundays, I suggest learning how to cook.

Offering to cook dinner on Sunday kills two birds with one stone. Cooking dinner will give your significant other the impression that you find it important to help with household responsibilities. But it also gives you the excuse of skipping out on church early so your meat loaf doesn’t burn. Try to avoid meals that use a crock-pot. Women know these items don’t need to be checked every hour. Be sure to plan your meals ahead of time and coordinate the cooking of the meal so a realistic time to be checking the food comes after halftime of that important game.

No. 4: Get your significant other involved in the game. Don’t try to explain the intricacies of a safety blitz or how a dropped screen pass can actually be a fumble. These idiosyncrasies are like trying to explain calculus to a 5-year-old. Start simple. Point out how Tom Brady is pleasing to the eyes or how T.O. is a corrosive distraction to every team he plays on. Women like good-looking men and drama-it reminds them of “Desperate Housewives” or “Grey’s Anatomy.” A woman will appreciate the fact that you are trying to spend quality time and at the same time include her in one of your interests.

No. 5: Buy a calendar that doesn’t have half-naked ladies, cherry-red Corvettes or anything to do with sports on it. Hang this calendar on the fridge or near the bathroom sink where your significant other gets ready in the morning. Pull out your list from your secret hiding spot and mark the dates and times of the games you absolutely can’t miss. Don’t put all the games you want to watch, because there is no room, and besides, this will look gluttonous. Giving your significant other this much notice will help dispel any dramatic argument about your not giving her ample notice for these important games.

While this calendar may seem excessive, it also makes sense. Think back to the time when your significant other told you about her high-school friend’s wedding. You know she told you the date, but you conveniently forgot so you could pitch a fit when she reminded you the night before. This calendar will not erase all the whining that will ensue when your Chiefs-Broncos game takes precedence over going to her parents’ house for Thanksgiving dinner, but giving her ample warning will dilute the arguments over a longer period of time.

No. 6: Give the illusion that you want to watch games that you actually have no intention of watching. Good examples might be the Bears at Arizona on Oct. 16. Write this game on the calendar, and then on the night of the game, admit to your significant other that you haven’t been spending enough quality time with her and that you are going to skip Monday Night Football to spend some valuable time with her. This will pay huge dividends in the future.

She will think you are the greatest thing since “The Young and the Restless,” and in turn you will have the chance to watch more football. If you have an exceedingly spastic significant other or if you anticipate spending a momentous amount of time watching football over that particular week, you may want to sporadically include a few of these games to give the impression that you are making sacrifices.

No. 7: Any good coach doesn’t want his playbook getting in the hands of his opponent. Make sure your significant other does not get ahold of this column. Cut it out and use it as a reference, but hide it with the previously mentioned catalogues. If your significant other reads up to this point, then you’re going to have to get really creative.

To any other woman who has read up to this point, I want you to know that you’re a good sport, and I know some guys out there who are dying to meet a lady who can take a joke.