Consuming Kevin Bacon is not fattening

By By Cody Brunner

By Cody Brunner

OK-here’s the scenario.

We’re going to do a movie about football. We’ll have decent players who will go through some sort of trauma (such as racial differences, death, drug problems), but will regain their composure just in time to win the state football championship. Oh yeah, and every tackle in the movie has to contain at least one back-flip (since that happens so often in football).

Sound familiar?

It should, because this sort of sensationalized BS is the plot of virtually every sports movie ever created.

I know “Friday Night Lights” and “Invincible” were feel-good movies, and I’ll be the first to admit that I liked them, but they lacked something.

They lacked the characters who made greatness. You know, people who make the movie what it is.

No, I’m not talking about Lawrence Taylor in “Any Given Sunday” or James Van Der Beek in that awesomely stupid “Varsity Blues” flick. I’m talking about people who make the unbearable plot worth surviving.

I’m talking about the true breadwinners of sports films-and no, they don’t have to be athletes. But they do have to be sweet.

I know a couple of these are a stretch, but bear with me as I bring you the best characters ever created in sports movies (or movies that include sports).

10. Jake Busey, “Wind Runner”

What? You don’t know what I’m talking about? That’s weird. This movie was a blockbuster in my hometown in Southern Utah, only because it was shot there. In actuality, the movie sucked so bad it was funny (kind of like “Tremors”).

Anyways, Busey plays the snide quarterback who-go figure-makes huge plays at the start of the movie, then relinquishes his starring role to the main character. Oh yeah, the climax of the movie includes a white horse jumping off of a mountaintop and falling several hundred feet before getting struck by lightning and disappearing-magic.

9. The Hanson Brothers, “Slap Shot”

Were they good hockey players?

No, but it sure was fun to watch them throw caution to the wind and disdainfully ravage opponents. They had total disregard for their bodies and the actual sport that was being played. Clutch.

8. Chris Farley, “Black Sheep”

There’s just something funny about watching a grossly overweight behemoth like Farley working a bunch of 11-year-olds in tackle football. Maybe it’s the behind-the-back lateral pass or the fact that he always called the exact same play (“32 belly option on two-on two-ready, break!”), but whatever it is, it works.

7. Michael J. Fox, “Back to the Future”

I know what you’re thinking-“that’s not a sports movie, you jackass!”-but the way M.J. artistically carves through the middle of town on his makeshift skateboard is sheer genius.

6. “Squeak” Scolari, “BASEketball”

Don’t you love it when movies portray actual people in your life? Well, my friend Avery is Lil’ B**** to the T. Squeak plays off Trey Parker and Matt Stone so well that I have to pay respect.

5. Will Ferrell, “Talledega Nights”

“Dear Lord, baby Jesus, we thank you so much for this bountiful harvest of Domino’s, KFC and the always delicious Taco Bell,” Ricky Bobby says.

Ferrell is the man. I will fight anyone that rebuts me.

4. Kevin Bacon, “Footloose”

Normally I wouldn’t count dancing as a sport, but the way Bacon rocks it in the warehouse scene commands respect (I think that’s the word for it). I don’t know about you guys, but every time I find myself in a run-down warehouse now, I blast my car stereo and run through a brilliantly choreographed piece of dancing.

3. Bob Uecker, “Major League”

Is Uecker a play-by-play or color commentator? Actually, it doesn’t matter. He’s the token alcoholic, and everything he says is gold.

2. Leslie Nielsen, “The Naked Gun”

Steeerrriikkee threeee heee heee.

My older brother Kyle actually re-enacted Nielsen’s umpire routine at a Little League baseball game, complete with a sidle, splits and a moonwalk. Later on, it was announced that he had officially become God.

Seriously, if you don’t like this scene, you suck at life.

1. Styles, “Teen Wolf”

Styles’ scofflaw missions of searching painstakingly for a keg, entrepreneuring his way to cotton glory with “Teen Wolf” T-shirts and finding his “stash” with the aid of Michael J. Fox?I mean, these are problems every kid faces at one time or another.

In all honesty though, Styles is the man. He’s always the voice of reason in the life of M.J.’s character, unselfishly giving sound advice to the wolf.

Actually, “Teen Wolf” is probably on my top 10 best all-time movies as well, if for no other reason than the gratuitous hump scene at the end between M.J. and his dad. It starts as a hug, then slowly progresses toward porn (not that I would know what that looks like). Well played.

“If anybody slams me against the boards, I’m going to pee all over myself.”