Pollution. Global warming. Sprawl.
What’s the fuss? Each morning when I drive my powerful Hummer to school, I swell with joy to think of the good I’m contributing to society. As I pass the refineries that lie between my suburban paradise of Bountiful on my way to the liberal wasteland of the U, I take in a deep breath of the oily air.
I know many of you may say it smells like a dysfunctional bowel movement, but to me it is a beautiful token of my contribution to the mighty Utah economy.
Yes, I care about Utah, and I care about the world. That is why I use all the energy I can. When I leave a room, I’m sure to leave the lights on. Why? Well, as a proud Utahn, I believe that coal is an important part of our economy and a key to our future of world domination.
My beneficence is not limited to the consumption of energy. No, I do much more than that. I make sure that everything I buy is non-recyclable. These items usually cost a bit less, meaning I can buy more. Non-recyclable goods are like a gift that keeps on giving-they never go away. When I drive past the mounting heaps of trash at the west-side dumps, I am proud to think that I contribute to that mound of history.
I also care about the future, which is why I believe in suburbia. Everyone should have the right to live in a monotonous house surrounded by a moat of water-saturated grass. Yes, I envision a valley-an entire state-filled to the brim with subdivisions. I imagine a society swelling with interstates, five-car garages and promenades of strip malls. But not everything should be covered: I still need a place to hunt and drive my ATV.
Now, I know that you moralists will tell me that I ought to be concerned about these actions. You’ll tell me that I’m harming the “environment” and that future generations will be adversely affected. If you’re religious, you may even tell me that God has given us a moral obligation to care for and maintain our planet. You’re all missing the point.
God didn’t say that we should care for the planet; he said it’s ours for the taking. As for the harm I’m causing-I don’t buy it. Even if it is true and global warming is heating our planet, I wouldn’t mind. I like long summers. I can water my lawn more often.
You see, as a true Utahn, I know that these myths have been formed by the cunning deceit of liberalism. You talk about facts and figures; you show photos of disappearing glaciers; you say our forest fires are worse than they were in the past. Some of you liberals even have the audacity to suggest that my lifestyle contributes to the wintertime inversion that warms our valley like an electric blanket.
No, I don’t buy into your filthy lies. You say we should send tax dollars to education instead of roads. You want to develop solar panels instead of mining the earth. You think we ought to live like Europeans instead of in our spacious suburbs.
Don’t you understand? Those things require more brain than brawn. But as a native of our glorious state, I know that a true and honest man is one who works with his hands, not the slyness of his mind.
I call out to you, fellow student warriors: Do not believe the liberal lies! Together, let us raise our gas nozzles, crank up our heat and fill this land with our powerful suburbs.
