Dictators can be great, but so can you

By and

There comes a moment in everyone’s life when he or she feels the need to take a step forward to a place of productivity and self-value.

That moment has just arrived for me, so I can’t wait any longer to make a difference in this world. Yes, that’s right, as of today, I hereby resign as the unofficial Director of the Initiative Commission That Acts Toward Obvious Responsibilities, or, in short, DICTATOR.

Clearly, it would be a conflict of interest for me to continue in such a valued and respected authoritative position when I have the opportunity to run for student body president.

The fact of the matter is this campus is in dire need of a totalitarian leader to provide students with a government of progress and stability.

I’m sure many of you, who will likely vote for me (I mean, some people have said I look kind of like Urban Meyer) would like to know my platform.

So let’s get straight to business. My unofficial official run for SBO has begun!

Recognizing the fact that North Korea has just declared its success with nuclear testing, I plan to utilize the nuclear reactor in the Engineering Building to keep our campus safe by turning it into a bargaining chip.

Let’s see the Utah State Legislature not fund our programs now! Together we reach!

Here at the U, we’ve basically developed the cure for cancer, so we obviously have more experienced people in the nuclear field, and we shouldn’t let their valuable intelligence go to waste. North Korea has nothing on us.

Furthermore, we will build tunnels/bomb shelters all across campus. Originally, I thought it would be great to have tunnels for use in the winter months, but why not go a little over the budget and build them all the way to Mexico? It’ll be OK because we’ll charge students $1,000 dollars at next year’s Redfest.

Next on the platform is the change in parking. Students will have to surrender their E passes to the employees of the U, and the employees will hand over their useless A passes to the general student body.

Think about it-almost every place of business has its employees park farther away to allow the customers the best parking.

Anyway, enough about the platform, let’s discuss how I will campaign.

I think I’ll surprise everyone by making pancakes?no wait, waffles?or, even better, stale bagels on the first day of my campaign!

It should work, but if it doesn’t, I’ll also break cookies and doughnuts into itty-bitty pieces and entice people with that!

Then I’ll walk around and tell people to vote for me, and if they ask why, I’ll hand them a slip of paper telling them that I’ll do a bunch of stuff that’ll really help them, and in small print I’ll put that I’m only doing it so I can put Dictator of Underground Tunnels and Sweet Nuclear Warfare on my rsum (I am always honest).

After that, I’ll spend thousands of dollars on parties with hot girls and more stale bagels, complete with bands that sing songs such as, “Matt the dictator is so great!” and, “Tunnels are safe and cool, right?”

Actually, this all seems like a lot of work, so I guess I’ll just be an opinion writer who writes once a week.

But, for anybody who is interested in all that stuff, now’s your chance.

Numerous parties are forming right now as current student government officials are resigning in preparation to run for office for next year.

They will have to deal with issues such as rising tuition, health care, childcare, the possibility of a new recreation center and several other important issues facing our university.

Like it or not, these people running will have a direct impact on all of us, so it will be important to get involved now while the parties are beginning to form.

You have just as much of a right to have your choices impact this school as anyone else, and now is the time to act.

Or else the infidels will take the reactor!