“The Nativity Story”Directed by Catherine Hardwicke”Joseph, I’m pregnant.””What?! But we never…I never…””An angel visited me. I will conceive through the Holy Spirit.””Oh, for Christ’s sake…””Yes! Were you visited, too?” (PG)

“Turistas”Directed by John StockwellThe country of Brazil has issued the following statement in response to this movie: “The Brazilian Board of Tourism vehemently protests the inaccurate image of our jungles that are portrayed in the Hollywood picture ‘Turistas.’ Robbers and slashers are strictly ordered to prey only on city tourists.” (R)

“Van Wilder 2: The Rise of Taj”Directed by Mort NathanThe entire world has issued the following statement in response to this movie: “Why, dear God, why?” (R)

“Changing Times (Les Temps qui Changent)”Directed by Andre TechineGerard Depardieu plays an architect who hopes to reconnect with the luscious Catherine Deneuve while on business in Tangiers. Maybe Depardieu will reconnect with his estranged movie career in the process. (NR)

“Gabrielle”Directed by Patrice ChereauBased on Joseph Conrad’s short story “The Return,” a bourgeoisie couple fumes over its failed marriage. An American remake is in the process, starring Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock. I smell an Oscar. (NR)

“Mutual Appreciation”Directed by Andrew BujalskiStruggling rock musicians and disc jockeys talk, talk and talk in this black-and-white independent film. Boy, I sold you on it right there, didn’t I? (NR)

MIDNIGHT MADNESS AT THE TOWER! FRIDAY AND SATURDAY!”The Nightmare Before Christmas”Directed by Tim BurtonIt’s either a stop-motion animated musical from the demented and dark brain of Tim Burton, or it’s the dream Santa Claus has on the 24th of December in which he realizes he’s packed his sack not with toys, but with Mrs. Claus’ dirty laundry. So that explains the extra-large snowflake panties I got last year. (PG)